These Violent Delights
In an apocalyptic winter filled with zombies, Juliet is on a rampage to kill Romeo at all costs.
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First off….I think it would be beneficial for your logline to hint at the reasoning behind Juliet wanting to kill Romeo. How do zombies factor into the story? Is Romeo one? Romeo and Juliet are lovers in almost every iteration of the tale, so you gotta explain why one is on a rampage to kill the other.
Hello, I love the title but the logline need a lot of work. You should avoid the names of the characters unless they are weel known characters – in your case it’s clear that they are not the romeo and juliet that we know (they were in love and they didn’t try to kill each other). You should include an inciting event (what puts the story in motion), and some stakes.
I disagree FFF. Because we do know who Romeo and Juliet are the characters, now in an alternate universe, are clearly defined. Their roles however not so clear. My rewrite (sorry for the humor):
In an apocalyptic winter the zombie Juliet seeks her Romeo’s heart … and his brains.
Yeah, I know, closer to a tagline than a logline but a tack that could be developed. Food for thought.
Sounds like a great story and I like this logline.
Romeo and Juliet work because of the irony.
Thank you. If I wrote the script any other way, that would be perfect.
So this is I guess what you could call a second draft: In an apocalyptic winter filled with zombies, Juliet is on revenge fueled rampage to kill Romeo at all costs.
The main character is Juliet this is clear and her goal is to kill Romeo this is also clear. As these are two well known characters and have a pre established contrasting dynamic to your story this becomes an action comedy so the genre is clear again also good.
However the crucial elements that make up your story have a vague cause and effect relationship.
What made Juliet want to kill Romeo? what was the event that started her off on the journey to kill him? What is the inciting incident that motivated her to need to achieve her goal?
Once you have a clear and simple explanation and answer to the above questions, the story could make for a great comedy.
Hope this helps.
Problem is Nir Shelter, it’s not a comedy. The screenplay is more of a plain ol’ action with a dash of deep Shakespearean thinking.
I think the premise needs re thinking if you are doing an action version of Romeo and Juliet with zombies and with a reverse relationship.
I’m not sure what your “hook” of interest is here if the story is not a comedy.
If this is indeed a modern version of Romeo and Juliet only set in a zombie apocalypse what differentiates it to other modern telling of the same story is that Juliet actually hates Romeo and wants to kill him. Which essentially makes this a different story to Romeo and Juliet and renders the character names useless and the premise entirely different.
On that note and taking into account that this is not a comedy the main character’s need to kill her former lover needs to be explained through a well motivating inciting incident. Why must she kill him? What is at stake if she doesn’t succeed?
I guess my hook is for the people hearing the logline to ask why. To hint that there is a reason that the famous star crossed female lover suddenly wants revenge but not say it would allow the listener to imagine and only find out what it is by watching the film. I kinda want to play on the premise that everyone is so familiar with the story and have it flipped there fore have people guess without giving it away. If I add more, I believe it would give it away. So knowing this should I still say why she wants revenge?
I’m sorry for being bullheaded. I do think you make a valid point as to adding the stakes.
I think the reason you should add the stakes is because the logline is not what you should be using to hook the audience. To quote the guidelines from this page, the point of a logline is to “demonstrate that our story contains the essential components.” Without a stake, a studio is less likely to see it as a complete story, and less likely to be interested. The execs won’t necessarily want to ask why Juliet wants to kill Romeo- they don’t have the time to read the full story just to find out. They just want to know there is a credible reason that can sell, to convince them that looking at the rest of the story is worth it. Also, having he stakes included doesn’t give away the story, but adds that essential element, potentially making it more interesting to the audience at little cost. See what you think of the one below (with a generic/random stake added), and see if you think it kills off the line or adds value:
“After being left for dead in an apocalyptic winter filled with zombies, Juliet is on revenge fuelled rampage to kill Romeo at all costs”
The concept will inevitably have to compete against the other zombie parody of a classic, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, the book and now a movie in post-production. In what way will the zombie treatment of Shakespeare’s famous play distinguish itself from the zombie treatment of Jane Austen’s famous novel?
Unlike Pride and Predjudice and Zombies, which is the exactly Jane Austen story with zombies shoe horned in (as well as being aimed as mire of a comedy as far as I know), this script is more like Oh Brother Where Art Thou, a more ‘modern’ retelling with a twist of its own. Not an accurate comparison but the most similar.
Nathan Philips, thank you for clearing that up. I may tweek that first part of ‘left for dead’ to something that is more descriptive in the script but apart from that, the rewrite is good.
From what you’ve written here so far I don’t see the justification for mentioning the names Romeo and Juliet. Reason is, that combo of names resonates with such particular story lines and characters that unless you do a Bazz Luhrmann style modern re telling and stay true to original dialogue and character dynamic you are miss leading the reader and audience.
The only other way I can see this done credibly is ala Pride and Prejudice and Zombies parody the original with a cross over genre.
Note that in Oh Brother Where Art Thou the only element retained from the Odyssey is the most of the structure and mentors as it was loosely based on not a modern re telling they didn’t call it The Odyssey.
What is it that happens to these lovers in this Zombie story that is different to others and makes it unique? What is the primary inciting incident for the MC that makes her need to achieve her goal?
The story is that Romeo and Juliet were once together and madly. The thing that separates them is what also created the zombies, an experiment led by Romeo. It’s also in this that he betrays Juliet by killing her brother. He ends up putting her in jail and basically leaving her for dead. Not only does she want revenge for the betrayal but because she was bitten in escaping, she has little time left. I wanted to use the passion that they exert for each other and flip it, reversing the quote ‘my only love sprung from my only hate’ so to speak.
That said I actually thought of changing their names cause there isn’t much superficial likeness to the Shakespeare play but at the same time it felt like I was taking away an intrinsic part of the idea/story. You make a point, the story, while having deep roots in the Romeo and Juliet story in its sorta flipped way, is nothing like the actual story at the very least on a superficial level, therefore maybe drawing more confusion then anything else. So I guess my question is, should I leave the names in, is it worth it to take out their names in the logline and still keep it in the script or change it altogether?
If you use their names, there is no way readers are not going to associate your story with Shakespeare’s play. As I certainly did . This raises certain expectations as to what your story is about. And then when you say the semblance to Shakespeare’s play is only ‘superficial’ — well, now I’m really confused. Now your logline creates the impression of a bait and switch. Which, of course, is not your intention. So, yeah, it’s probably better to drop the names.
Finally, what makes Shakespeare’s play a classic is that it is about a universal theme — love, specifically about love arising in the context of hate. The theme and resulting conflict has universal appeal — it’s something people can identify and empathize with across all cultures and all time. More important than whether your story has any semblance to the play is whether, like Shakespeare, you are writing about a universal theme, a universal human predicament.
Alright. I’m clearly outnumbered. While I do put those themes in the script, the themes would not be shown in a Wikipedia synopsis, or at leastvery little would so to speak. Looking through it again I see it more than I feel an audience would. So instead I should write; “After being betrayed by her true love and left for dead in a jail cel in an apocalyptic winter filled with zombies, one woman goes on a war path to exact revenge against the man that betrayed her.”
Feels goofy without names but this probably send the message clearer
The last draft of the logline reads better and adds clarity over the original one. Most loglines don’t include character names so don’t feel bad about omitting them. The only reason to include a character name is if the name informs nature of the character in a story critical way such as Jesus or Gandhi?
In this instance as previously mentioned the names are not fulfilling that role.
I would drop the left for dead betrayed by her true love is enough for an inciting incident. I would also change the character description to reflect more about the Mc nature and flaw than “…one woman?”.
After she is betrayed by her true love during a zombie apocalypse a shy librarian must take up arms to exact revenge against her fianc?.
I would add perhaps that she must lead a group of patrons to freedom in to the mix or other wise give her an additional hurdle to over come.