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Mike PedleySingularity
Posted: January 18, 20192019-01-18T09:08:45+10:00 2019-01-18T09:08:45+10:00In: Thriller

When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception.

When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception.
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    4 Reviews

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    1. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2019-01-18T09:59:19+10:00Added an answer on January 18, 2019 at 9:59 am

      Logline:? “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception.” (34 words)

      Protagonist: ” a nostalgic assassin” —> Okay. Consider using an adjective which hints at character arc.

      Antagonist: “company” —> Okay.

      Inciting incident: “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered” —> I don’t think, as written, this event shares the causal relationship an inciting incident should have with the goal. If the inciting incident is that his wife(presumed dead or not) has been targeted for a hit, then I would think that the goal would be to protect her, or carry out the hit himself. But the goal seems to be to investigate. I understand what you’re going for, but to me, as written, the event doesn’t share that relationship with the stated goal.
      Essentially, the goal seems to be investigating(at least that’s what I think “unravel the depths of the company?s deception” means) but the inciting incident doesn’t present?the mystery. It presents?a mystery, but not the one that is the main conflict.

      Goal: ” seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception” —> This is unclear. What exactly are they looking for? She’s alive, that was the deception. The logline does not clearly describe what they are trying to unravel.
      ->Climax: Reading the logline, I can’t exactly determine what the climax would be. As I mentioned before, saying “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist” means that the inciting incident is that is wife is being targeted, and to me, an?inevitable outcome of that would be either he protects her from antagonists, or he tries to kill her himself.

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    2. Richiev Singularity
      2019-01-18T12:19:12+10:00Added an answer on January 18, 2019 at 12:19 pm

      “When his organization orders a hit on his wife, who he believed to be dead, a loyal assassin breaks from his company to protect his wife and discover who’s the person behind the conspiracy to silence her.”

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    3. bsp Penpusher
      2019-01-19T03:49:12+10:00Added an answer on January 19, 2019 at 3:49 am

      I have to agree with Richiev, I’m liking that version better.

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    4. NinaS Logliner
      2019-02-22T18:58:13+10:00Added an answer on February 22, 2019 at 6:58 pm

      Hi Mike,

      I’m new to this loglining, but just wanted to say I’d watch this film! Sounds intriguing.

      Good luck with it!
      Cheers,
      Nina

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