Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.
bspPenpusher
Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.
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Here are another couple versions I was thinking
When her werewolf father breaks out during a full moon and goes on a killing spree, 17-year-old Maddie has to cover for him while dealing with something far worse: a new high school.
17-year-old Maddie has a lot on her plate, between moving to a new town, settling into a new school, crushing on a cute guy, and dealing with her father, who just happens to be a bloodthirsty werewolf when the moon is full.
How much does the audience know? Do we know her father is the werewolf from the beginning or is it a ‘big reveal’ halfway through?
Also, does your lead character have any other goals you can use for the logline, like saving her father or saving her friends? Because keeping a secret is kind of a passive goal.
There are multiple logline versions in this thread, and they share some of the same problems, so I will focus on the original post.
I recommend reading the formula tab at the top of the page and reading through other members’ loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand logline format and elements.
Logline: “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.” (35 words)
To start, “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school” is unnecessary for a logline. Loglines should include minimal background details and should focus on the core of the story.
Protagonist: “17 year old Maddie” —> Loglines shouldn’t use the names of fictional characters unless they are from an established franchise. And describing a character’s age does very little to help with understanding the character.
To use “Taken” as an example: A retired CIA agent. —> This tells a logline reader that 1) he’s retired, 2)He was in the CIA, and to a general audience that means he’s acquired a “particular set of skills”.
Inciting incident: “werewolf father goes on another killing spree” —> This is an okay inciting incident, but the real problem seems to be with the goal.
Example(Taken): After his daughter is kidnapped. —> Boom, a clear event, which forces the protagonist into action.
Goal: “and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush” —> Why does this matter? Her father is killing people and she’s worried about someone finding out that he’s a werewolf? This also isn’t a clear objective to accomplish. It’s an indefinite goal which isn’t the type that works for a story. This also doesn’t seem to describe a causal relationship with the inciting incident. If her father’s been a werewolf for however long, why is that she just now starts to try to keep it a secret? In other words, the inciting incident doesn’t?force her to pursue her goal.
Example: he(Mills) must find and rescue his daughter. —> A clear goal formed?because of the inciting incident. With a definite endpoint, a clear objective, and is described visually.
Antagonist: I am unclear about who the antagonist would be from this logline. If her goal is to prevent someone from finding something out, then who is directly opposing her? Why would anyone care?
Example(Taken): the kidnappers.
I recommend considering these elements for a revision.