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A group of East London kids embark on a dangerous adventure, following in the footsteps of a Caribbean soldier from WW2, hoping to find the soldier’s hidden treasure and save their estate from demolition
Is this story about a ->brave<- young boy, who when "he learns his East London house estate home is earmarked for demolition" (-)Inciting Incident(-), must "find a soldier's hidden treasure" --> ((character goal driver)); in order to save his home (what's @STAKE!) ...? Trying to "cause andRead more
Is this story about a ->brave<- young boy, who when “he learns his East London house estate home is earmarked for demolition” (-)Inciting Incident(-), must “find a soldier’s hidden treasure” –> ((character goal driver)); in order to save his home (what’s @STAKE!) …?
Trying to “cause and effect” -> ‘must save home’ ++ ‘hidden treasure’ = problem might be resolved ….?
See lessA cynical sellsword joins forces with a mysterious traveler to conceal a wish-granting treasure when he learns that the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant.
Hi Libari, I have to admit there's a lot to digest there at first read. Lets have a look... INTENTION - conceal a wish-granting treasure. OBSTACLE - the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant. A sellsword sets out to destroy a wish-granting treasure when he findsRead more
Hi Libari,
I have to admit there’s a lot to digest there at first read.
Lets have a look…
INTENTION – conceal a wish-granting treasure.
OBSTACLE – the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant.
A sellsword sets out to destroy a wish-granting treasure when he finds out his land’s king will use it to become an all-powerful tryant.
– “conceal” felt soft to me. Less of a challenge. Treasure sounds dangerous and “ring-like” if he sets out to destroy it.
– wasn’t sure how necessary “mysterious traveler” is to the logline.
– for less words I got rid of “cynical” as well – though it does suggest the character’s potential arc. Keep it for now I imagine.
Anyways – good luck with this!
See less(6th revision) After performing a flowed mummification, a child must atone for shirking human souls from the Earth Spirit; after much suffering, he rises as Anubis, the judge of the dead.
I think you mean 'flawed', but you can also say 'botched' or 'bungled' or even 'unsuccessful'. Also consider making a new sentence for 'After much suffering..'
I think you mean ‘flawed’, but you can also say ‘botched’ or ‘bungled’ or even ‘unsuccessful’.
Also consider making a new sentence for ‘After much suffering..’
See less