1. Posted: February 3, 2020In:

    After feeling doubtful of finding love again, a sexy ex convict finds interests in a pro boxer who returns the same feelings, but their love is intercepted when her ex best friend, who’s a former investigator responsible for taking her in the first place, seeks out to find her and confess her feelings before it’s too late. possible title: “Les Be Honest”

    Richiev Singularity

    This is a bit confusing to read. I think the starting point would be, what is the lead character's actual goal? What is standing in the way, and what will the lead character do to overcome this obstacle. Because from reading your logline, the investigator seems to be the one with the goal: To win baRead more

    This is a bit confusing to read.

    I think the starting point would be, what is the lead character’s actual goal? What is standing in the way, and what will the lead character do to overcome this obstacle.

    Because from reading your logline, the investigator seems to be the one with the goal: To win back the ex-convict… and has a plan: to confess his love. But what is standing in his way is: he’s the one that put her in prison…

    So the inciting incident would be, his sexy ex is getting out of prison, his goal is to win her back, and his action is, to confess his love.

    So if your lead character is the Ex-convict, what is her inciting incident, what is her goal, and what is standing in her way?

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  2. Posted: January 14, 2020In:

    A married man begins dating a woman via lucid dream technology, but things get strange when she starts appearing when he?s awake.

    yqwertz Mentor

    I like the concept, but I think it needs tightening. What do you mean by "things get strange"? What happens after the man sees this woman in real life is going to make the difference between a comedy, a drama, a thriller or an adventure. Even though you put this idea in the "adventure" genre, from tRead more

    I like the concept, but I think it needs tightening.

    What do you mean by “things get strange”? What happens after the man sees this woman in real life is going to make the difference between a comedy, a drama, a thriller or an adventure. Even though you put this idea in the “adventure” genre, from the way the logline is written at present, it could be almost any thing else. Give us some hint about what happens when “things get strange”.

    The other question I have is whether or not she recognizes him and was having the same dream? If not, you’ve got the basis for a stalker film where things could really get strange, but in a bad way. If she does recognize him and was having the same dream, you’ve got the basis for a romantic comedy.

    The logline needs to give the reader some indication of which way the film is headed.

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  3. Posted: December 30, 2019In:

    During a cross-country journey to track his missing girlfriend Nisha, Dhondup finds himself reluctantly involved in the lives of people who all seem to have a connection to her in some way.

    dpg Singularity

    emvshah: Over time I have developed a template that I use to both brainstorm plots and evaluate loglines. I did a work up of your premise (as I understand it).? Not every question applies.? And my answers are, of course, subjective; some of them may be way, way off the mark. What matters is if theyRead more

    emvshah:

    Over time I have developed a template that I use to both brainstorm plots and evaluate loglines. I did a work up of your premise (as I understand it).? Not every question applies.? And my answers are, of course, subjective; some of them may be way, way off the mark.

    What matters is if they provide some useful ideas for you to brainstorm and logline your story ideas.

    So, fwiw:

    What is the premise??? The “What if?”? The seed concept or organizing idea for the whole story?
    A young man goes on a cross-country serach for his girlfriend after she mysteriously disappears.
    What is your passion for the story?
    Which is to ask: what is your personal story hook?? What got you interested in telling this story?? Why do you want to want to tell this story?? Why MUST you tell it?? Which sets up my? next question.
    What is the hook, the story bait??
    What is the sizzle?? What is there about your story that will immediately hook other people’s attention, makes them want to read the script?? What is the sizzle in the script that will make them want to make the movie?
    A colorful character?
    In an earlier draft you described him as a tatoo artist.? Well, that could be colorful character trait.? But that trait must also must be functional.? That is, in some way it must be relevant to his relationship to the missing woman– how they connected.? Or the? tatoo he gave her is so eye-catching,? is a vital clue for getting people to ID her as he follows her trail.
    A novel situation?
    Well, not exactly
    An intriguing relationship?
    The tattoo could be a “bonding agent” in their relationship that makes him want to find her.? But I’m just guessing how that may play out.
    An unusual, exotic setting?
    Could be some visually interesting stops along the way.
    Does it stimulate the reader’s imagination?
    In this version, not so much.? In the earlier version, that he’s a tattoo artist, maybe more.
    What sets it apart from similar stories?
    Well, what does set it apart from other similar stories about somone looking for a lost loved one?
    What archetype is evoked?
    This question comes to my mind when the plot seems to, less or more, conform to the Hero’s Journey plot paradigm.? I’m not sure this one does.
    Is the premise High Concept?
    That is short and sizzling.
    In terms of brevity?
    No.
    In terms of sizzle?
    No.
    If for a series, is there a plot? engine? built? into the pilot?
    N/A
    Who is the protagonist?
    A young tattoo artist.
    Is the protagonist driving the plot?
    Yes, but not fully.? He’s driving around,? but I get the impression he is also? getting sucked into other people’s problems instead of solving his own.
    Is the logline framed from the pov of the? character the audience should root for?
    Yes
    What is his character strength or defining characteristic?
    Not apparent
    What is his character flaw or vulnerability?
    Not apparent
    Are the defining characteristics (DC) congruent to the dramatic struggle?
    No
    What is the rooting factor?
    He’s trying to find someone he loves.
    What is the inciting incident (II)?
    None indicated explicityly. Implied in that she has gone missing.
    What becomes his objective goal (OG)?
    Find the missing girl.
    Is the OG specific and concrete?
    Yes.
    Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?
    N/A
    Is the premise and plot credible, believable?
    Yes.
    Is there an indicator?
    Yes.? The logline indicates it will be a cross-country trip with many scenes of various locations, interesting and varied people.
    Who is the antagonist?
    None indicated
    What are the stakes?
    Reclaiming a love lost.
    Is there a ticking clock?
    No
    Does the plot feel active and externally visualized?
    Yes.
    What is the subjective need?
    Love (?)
    Is there a unifying theme?
    Not apparent
    Is it tweetable?
    Yes.
    Who is the target audience?
    Young adults, a prime demographic.
    What is the cathexis for the audience?
    That is, the emotional connection, the universal values and situations that an audience can ID with, emotionally invest in.? I’m guessing people might ID with the love interest that got away, that disappeared.
    Is it big enough to fill the format?
    Seems to be.
    My take away:
    My interest was stimulated by an earlier version wherein the young man was described as a tattoo artist. That is dropped in this version. And in the earlier version his skill/trade doesn’t seem to be integrated with the plot. It seems like a throwaway description.
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