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Following the death of their beloved mentor, three warriors from rival kingdoms join forces to battle against a dying Prince who declares war upon his entire generation.
As mikepedley85 said. The death of the mentor may be a set back but it doesn't seem to qualify as the inciting incident.And what's the villain's motivation?And the villain has the strength and stamina to fight a genocidal war even though he's dying?And the warriors are from "rival kingdoms".? So areRead more
As mikepedley85 said. The death of the mentor may be a set back but it doesn’t seem to qualify as the inciting incident.
And what’s the villain’s motivation?
And the villain has the strength and stamina to fight a genocidal war even though he’s dying?
And the warriors are from “rival kingdoms”.? So are they outsiders to the kingdom of the evil Prince?? And if so what is their skin in the game?? Why MUST they put aside their rivalry and meddle in the internal affairs of another kingdom?
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See lesswhen she discovered she is a mixed-breed of both angel and demon, fiona must do all she can to protect those she loves from the demons who are trying to take over the world as the angels question her loyalty.
As per every version of this logline, we don't need her name. It doesn't add anything to the story. Instead give us something that tells us who she is. The story would be very different if she was described as "cautious" compared to "reckless" for example. Do your protagonist the courtesy of makingRead more
As per every version of this logline, we don’t need her name. It doesn’t add anything to the story. Instead give us something that tells us who she is. The story would be very different if she was described as “cautious” compared to “reckless” for example. Do your protagonist the courtesy of making her a person… not just a name.
After her discovery, why does that automatically mean she gets involved in the war? What specifically makes her either want or have to get involved? That’s more likely your inciting incident rather than just her discovery. It’s similar to a superhero logline – the inciting incident isn’t the discovery of superpowers, it’s the arrival of the supervillain.
If the demons are trying to take over the world, surely her goal is to save the world not just her loved ones?
Does she have special abilities if she is half angel half demon? How does she discover this information? Is she the only one who can end this war? Is there a prophecy about her?
At the moment, I think I’m just struggling to get excited about the story as the logline doesn’t make it sound as EPIC as it could be. Angels, demons, end of the world and a half breed… it should feel like a BIG story on a global scale but at the moment it’s just a small story about a girl and her family.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter leaving her friend’s home, Fiona sees a bright white light and follows where it leads only getting entangled in the battle between angels and demons over humans, in the process finding out she is a mixed-breed of both supernatural beings.
When she discovers she is a mixed-breed of both angel and demon, a (give us a description of character) must (do this thing) in order to (Prevent this bad thing from happening)
When she discovers she is a mixed-breed of both angel and demon, a (give us a description of character) must (do this thing) in order to (Prevent this bad thing from happening)
See less