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  1. Posted: September 6, 2016In: Adventure

    When the lands fairest Princess father is killed and throne taken by an Evil Suitor, her exiled mother she never knew returns to teach her the magical arts to take back her Kingdom

    Dkpough1 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on September 8, 2016 at 8:39 am

    While I don't think Superman is "boring" as many people enjoy to say, I don't like Kryptonite, while yes he is weakened by other things such as magic(If I remember correctly), I guess I just prefer low level powers, is what I'm trying to say. In novels, people like Alex Verus, Ray Lilly, people withRead more

    While I don’t think Superman is “boring” as many people enjoy to say, I don’t like Kryptonite, while yes he is weakened by other things such as magic(If I remember correctly), I guess I just prefer low level powers, is what I’m trying to say. In novels, people like Alex Verus, Ray Lilly, people with a single or a few, defined abilities, whether or not the antagonists have powers or not(I think in those the antagonists are magical.) ?I do enjoy a good, big screen Superman vs. Zod, titan vs. titan battle, but mostly I like low levels. Though I do particularly like Harry Dresden and Isaac Vainio, even though they are quite powerful, have ?a wide range of abilities, and are constantly evolving. ?Either way, whether the antagonist has powers or not, they can be a compelling villain.

    But anyway,??onto the logline.
    Example:?When her father is killed and his throne taken, a young princess must learn magic from her exiled mother to stop the false king from possessing her and take her rightful throne.?(~31 words)
    Since it is labelled adventure, it is my opinion that the original post does not give much indication of that, but Nir Shelter’s does.

    Regardless if the villain has powers or not, I strongly urge that you find a good motivation, and a clear goal, that is something other than world domination or some variation. In other words, think about making it personal. The villain wants?her specifically. As in, he doesn’t even want her in order to achieve his bigger goal, she is the goal. Whether it’s jealously, revenge,(as in, possibly the mother scorned the new king and now he wishes to take her), or something like the old king stole the new king’s daughter(the princess) and now he wants her to know the truth. (that doesn’t really work with the plot you’ve given, at least to me it wouldn’t make much sense to kill the king in order to achieve it), or even he just wants her to be his apprentice. Basically, don’t just make the villain “evil”, make him relatable, give him a good reason for doing what he’s doing.
    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: August 29, 2016In: Adventure

    A young African boy who suffered all his life from hunger and destruction caused by the European colonization , sets himself in a journey and adventure to gather all food possible and prepare a feast and great meal for his tribe. However he will face many obstacles and meet allies in his journey.

    [Deleted User]
    Added an answer on August 29, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    My only point other than Nir's is a pet peeve of mine. Loglines need to flow and always should be only one sentence, two at max! You've got a lot in here and could be easily condensed to just one, focus on your core story and protagonist and it will be easy enough.

    My only point other than Nir’s is a pet peeve of mine. Loglines need to flow and always should be only one sentence, two at max! You’ve got a lot in here and could be easily condensed to just one, focus on your core story and protagonist and it will be easy enough.

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  3. Posted: August 27, 2016In: Adventure

    In an American West ruled by dinosaurs, a young Teddy Roosevelt goes on an expedition into the Yellowstone to hunt one of the last of the great predators, confronting his and his nation’s destiny.

    czawadzki Logliner
    Added an answer on August 29, 2016 at 2:57 am

    I think it is a fun idea to take dinosaurs out of their traditional setting and mix it up with historical fiction. ?If the story is good, I might ignore the scientific flaws about oxygen ect?mentioned in other reviews. With that said, I don't see the conflict. It's just Teddy Roosevelt going huntingRead more

    I think it is a fun idea to take dinosaurs out of their traditional setting and mix it up with historical fiction. ?If the story is good, I might ignore the scientific flaws about oxygen ect?mentioned in other reviews.

    With that said, I don’t see the conflict. It’s just Teddy Roosevelt going hunting. ?I guess, my advice would be to shorten and add conflict and drama.

    Good Luck!

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