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A revolutionary Arabian prince rises in revolt to free his people from the Barbarians after he was given a second chance to live again.
The character name should be removed from the logline. Unless it is a story about a widely recognised historical character such as Jesus or Ghandi, which most producers would know, other wise it parts with convention and is therefore unnecessary.Regardless the fact that this story is based on Arab fRead more
The character name should be removed from the logline. Unless it is a story about a widely recognised historical character such as Jesus or Ghandi, which most producers would know, other wise it parts with convention and is therefore unnecessary.
Regardless the fact that this story is based on Arab folklore, you should take the liberty of adapting it to the screen. This means structuring into the plot more conventional story elements such as cinematic inciting incidents, goals and action. Cinematic means visual, something that can be photographed and understood by the audience without exposition. Therefore Ethan’s suggestion of enslaving the Arab people – show their plight and need for freedom, and Richiev’s suggestion that awakening a dream is not a good goal for the screen?- what achievement can visually explain that the MC succeeded and his people are free? Perhaps him killing Gadab or the Barbarian armies retreating from the peninsula would make for better goals.
This has the making of?an epic story, and would possibly require either a sequel or a few TV seasons to complete, I strongly suggest the latter and therefore best to get your basic structure solid at this early stage.
For example:
After a Barbarian war lord kills his father, a fearless prince must unite all the Arab tribes in order to lead an army to free them from slavery.?
28 words
See lessI made the antagonist kill his father so it has a personal stake as well as a social one, I also specified the action he will have to take in order to achieve his goal of freedom.?
Stranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.
I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different- I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad's car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So hisRead more
I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different-
I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad’s car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So his ostensibly mundane task with low stakes ends up becoming something much bigger- saving the galaxy (and then recovering or not recovering the car at the very end.)
So you want to convey that in your logline, while still retaining the comedic aspects and tone. So something like this (but smoother)-
“When his father’s company car is seized by a tyrannical federation?s mothership stranded in enemy space, a fickle teen must team up with a fearsome?alien commander?to not only retrieve the car but also to?prevent?an all-our inter-galactic?war that will destroy Earth.”
See lessA loser father?s innocent lie, that he is a superhero, puts his kids in trouble who are held as hostages with terrorist; and now he must fight them without breaking his kid?s myth that he is a superhero.
Thanks for the feedback. Your insight has helped me figure out that there are two things which my log line is telling which I do not wish to ?intend: 1. LOSER - Father is very hard working but is unsuccessful in his profession. 2. SUPERHERO STORY - Superhero story is not for his ego boast but thoseRead more
Thanks for the feedback. Your insight has helped me figure out that there are two things which my log line is telling which I do not wish to ?intend:
1. LOSER – Father is very hard working but is unsuccessful in his profession.
2. SUPERHERO STORY – Superhero story is not for his ego boast but those stories were meant to educate (both academically and morally) his kids. But they took it too seriously.
Thanks.
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