1. Posted: June 8, 2016In:

    When a shepherd is tending to his flock, one of his sheep are taken by thieves. He must find the stolen sheep in his herd.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with Richiev the wording can use some work, for example the inciting incident?could be changed to: After one of his sheep is stolen, a shepherd must? I don't know if the stakes are high enough, even in comedy higher stakes are better. What if this was a prize winning sheep, one he is relyingRead more

    Agreed with Richiev the wording can use some work, for example the inciting incident?could be changed to:
    After one of his sheep is stolen, a shepherd must?

    I don’t know if the stakes are high enough, even in comedy higher stakes are better. What if this was a prize winning sheep, one he is relying on for breeding purposes, if he loses this one individual animal it puts many seasons of breading in danger for him.

    After his prize winning buck is stolen, a shepherd must travel with his entire flock of sheep across the country to find the missing sheep.

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  2. Posted: June 7, 2016In:

    EDITED: Desperate to save their TV show from cancellation, two feuding co-stars, an aging actress and a troubled younger actor, enter a fabricated public romance to boost ratings

    Richiev Singularity

    I like the re-write, However; I would take out the line "...that soon turns complicated when..." and just insert the word 'but' This will help the flow of the logline and take out unnecessary wording.---------------------------------------"Desperate to improve ratings for their TV show, an aging actRead more

    I like the re-write, However; I would take out the line “…that soon turns complicated when…” and just insert the word ‘but’ This will help the flow of the logline and take out unnecessary wording.
    —————————————

    “Desperate to improve ratings for their TV show, an aging actress and a troubled younger actor enter a fabricated romance, but must outwit a tenacious paparazzo and vengeful ex-lovers out to expose them.”

    ?

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  3. Posted: June 7, 2016In:

    EDITED: A bored flight attendant?s life is turned upside down when she is mistaken for the accomplice of one of her passengers, a charming thief on the run from the mob

    steveylang Samurai

    When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she... I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and tell us what happens.

    When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she…

    I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and tell us what happens.

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