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In 1984, a meek high school teen is hired by the local Top 40 Station and sets out on a wild summer odyssey where he falls face first in love, and fist first into bully Bill Carter.
The latest draft of the logline is too convoluted, it delays any plot descriptions until the middle "...but when he meets the girl...". Essentially this is a boy meets girl (as literally described in the logline)? plot, this means that the inciting incident is the boy falling in love. Accordingly meRead more
The latest draft of the logline is too convoluted, it delays any plot descriptions until the middle “…but when he meets the girl…”. Essentially this is a boy meets girl (as literally described in the logline)? plot, this means that the inciting incident is the boy falling in love. Accordingly mention this first and delete the first half of the sentence as it doesn’t contribute to the reader’s understanding of the plot.
The character descriptions should be changed as it could be read as if the MC is a teen in his 80’s…? and “…looking to shake up his ho-hum existence…” is not a story worthy problem, I think these can be dropped all together from the logline seeing as they don’t contribute to the story.
Lastly, none of the story elements seam to logically connect; radio DJ, girl, him being meek and the radio station’s top 40 count down.
As an example:
See lessAfter meeting the girl of his dreams a meek teen with a fake ID gets a job at the local radio station to impress her enough so she leaves her boy friend the school bully.
A screenwriter has just finished his winning screenplay for the pitching time. Suddenly, his computer breaks down and he loses every piece of his work.
This logline doesn't describe a plot as it doesn't have a goal for the main character, rather it hints at a goal - retrieve the writer's work. In a logline best to definitively describe the plot at hand, this means an inciting incident, main character and goal. Here is a little helpful guide: https:Read more
This logline doesn’t describe a plot as it doesn’t have a goal for the main character, rather it hints at a goal – retrieve the writer’s work.
In a logline best to definitively describe the plot at hand, this means an inciting incident, main character and goal.
Here is a little helpful guide:
https://loglines.org/howto/
On a side note please refrain from posting more loglines for feedback than loglines you have reviewed your self.
See lessIt looks like you are a new user so all good for now, am sure other members will be happy to review, but please bare this in mind for future posts.
A young 10-year-old boy watches his neighbor girl play in his front yard. He feels butterflies in his stomach when looking at her. The young boy feels the drive to overcome his shyness and tries to find a way to get the girl?s attention.
The inciting incident is weak "feels butterflies in his stomach" and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to thRead more
The inciting incident is weak “feels butterflies in his stomach” and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to the girl.
Also isn’t?”get the girl’s attention”? a? means to another end, which is the boy’s real objective goal?? Doesn’t he? want more than?mere “attention”? Doesn’t he want to win her friendship?
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