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After being left home alone by accident over christmas, an eight year old boy must defend his house from a duo of incompetent burglars.
Good job! I would maybe throw some of the words around in the beginning. "After accidentally being left behind over Christmas, a mischievous 8-year-old has to protect his family's home from a duo of incompetent burglars."
Good job! I would maybe throw some of the words around in the beginning. “After accidentally being left behind over Christmas, a mischievous 8-year-old has to protect his family’s home from a duo of incompetent burglars.”
See lessWhen he experiences an unexpected sensation in his nether regions during a massage from another man, George is forced to confront his own sexuality and insecurities.
The End. Specifically, what happens? Visually, what are we watching on screen. All the action is happening inside the character's head. We don't need to know his name's George. It takes up valuable real estate in a logline. Instead give us something about WHO he is. Check out my blog post on writingRead more
The End.
Specifically, what happens? Visually, what are we watching on screen. All the action is happening inside the character’s head.
We don’t need to know his name’s George. It takes up valuable real estate in a logline. Instead give us something about WHO he is. Check out my blog post on writing characters in a logline for advice: http://lefttowrite.co.uk/loglines-character/
What’s his goal? Oh and making a decision about whether he’s gay or not is not a goal. Again, it happens inside the character’s head. It must be an objective goal. In a comedy, it could be something like ask the guy he now realises he fancies on a date. Or come out to his very conservative family. Either way, it has to be something we can watch.
I feel like the inciting incident needs more work here too. I know what you’re going for, but I think it’s not strong enough motivation yet. I want this to be more like him accidentally kissing his best (male) friend while drunk and the film is him dealing with the consequences. I want a bigger moment!
Food for thought and I hope this helps.
See lessA career driven wife unwittingly convinces her husband to join her in a tiny trailer cross country adventure, with the secret hopes of avoiding her disastrous financial missteps and saving their delicate marriage.
First of all, get rid of some adjectives: unwittingly, secret, disastrous, delicate... This is just too much. Some don't make sense, either. Next, it seems like the story's main action is 'convincing'. Or is the story what happens AFTER this? If the film is about the cross country adventure (which IRead more
First of all, get rid of some adjectives: unwittingly, secret, disastrous, delicate… This is just too much. Some don’t make sense, either.
See lessNext, it seems like the story’s main action is ‘convincing’. Or is the story what happens AFTER this?
If the film is about the cross country adventure (which I hope it is), we need to get a better feel for what will be the main obstacle/conflict there, and what it is that they need to achieve. Perhaps they must work together as a team to survive the adventure, after something happens that raises the stakes to life-death level.