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  1. Posted: April 21, 2020In: Comedy, Examples

    Hounded by debt collectors, a brassy small-time hustler solves her money woes by becoming a debt collector herself.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on April 23, 2020 at 8:18 am

    As usual you make valid points. But... >>>"I?ll never understand why people insist on keeping their loglines weak by not starting with the protagonist and adding in commas for no reason." Well, not that anything I can say will make you "understand", but here goes: >>>Do you remembeRead more

    As usual you make valid points.

    But…

    >>>”I?ll never understand why people insist on keeping their loglines weak by not starting with the protagonist and adding in commas for no reason.”

    Well, not that anything I can say will make you “understand”, but here goes:

    >>>Do you remember what Dwayne Johnson?s ?Skyscraper? was about? I don?t! Most of the people who went to see it had no idea what it was about! They just saw ads with The Rock blowing up shit and said yeah, I wanna see that!

    That’s comparing apples to oranges. Loglines are targeted to a different market, to the people who makes movies, not to the people who watch them.

    From what I’ve been able to glean from reading the industry hype, what hooked Dwayne Johnson, got him to attach to “Skyscraper” was the SITUATION. Because the situation gave him the opportunity to showcase himself in the role of (another) action hero. The situation sold the script — not the character.

    What sold the movie at the box-office is another matter.

    Again, loglines are pitched to movie makers, not movie viewers.

    >>>though ideally the combination is what really sells the concept.

    That’s my point. I think character versus conflict (plot) is a false dichotomy in determining what ought to determine the lead for a logline. It’s not a binary choice. A good logline needs both (obviously) but as to which you might lead with depends on the story — and the target market.

    I don’t think that drawing in the character until the 5th word of an 18 word logline is a flaw that renders the logline DOA. If the character didn’t appear until, say, the 15th word of a 25 word logline– oh yes, that’s would be a fatal flaw.

    I assume we can agree that what constitutes the story hook is ultimately subjective, in the mind of the reader. Some people (like yourself apparently) are more attracted to the characters. Okay, that’s you.

    But I’m not you. As a matter of fact, what attracted me to this film was not the character — but the situation, the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” aspect. And if I were a movie producer, that is what would attract me to the script.

    Some movie makers are more inclined to get hooked on strong characters, some on strong conflicts. Different strokes.

    >>>You say that sometimes the situation is more of a hook than the person dealing with it ? yes, sometimes. But rarely. We?re talking Jurassic Park level conflict here.

    Only rarely? I beg to differ.

    I say that not on the basis of my intuition nor because of my personal preference. I beg to differ based upon a systematic study of loglines for scripts that got sold (per the BlackList and other industry sources) and movies that got made. On an analysis of 965 loglines to date, to be precise.

    I would post some graphics to illustrate my claim; however, the ability to post graphics on this site has been disabled. I refer you to an earlier graphic I was able to post in October 2016 (you’ll have scroll down the thread).

    It is my study of loglines that led me long ago to conclude that the standard logline formulation featured on this site could use some, uh, rethinking.

    At least on that point we seem to agree.

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  2. Posted: April 19, 2020In: Comedy

    Fired and dumped, a directionless young man takes a pizza delivery job, but when he is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic mafia boss, he must outsmart the mob to survive and save the love of his life.

    yqwertz Mentor
    Added an answer on April 19, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    There is no indication that the "love of his life" is in danger or in need of being saved. You can tighten up the logline by dropping that part: When a down-and-out pizza delivery man is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic mafia boss, he must outsmart the mob to survive.  

    There is no indication that the “love of his life” is in danger or in need of being saved. You can tighten up the logline by dropping that part:

    When a down-and-out pizza delivery man is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic mafia boss, he must outsmart the mob to survive.

     

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  3. Posted: April 8, 2020In: Comedy

    A smart but directionless food delivery boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death from a psychotic gangster and must outwit the mob in order to survive and get his life back on track

    Trix Samurai
    Added an answer on April 8, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    Hi guswakey, I really like your premise - I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I'm thinking about how you can fine-tune it... my thoughts are along these lines: 'smart but directioRead more

    Hi guswakey,

    I really like your premise – I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I’m thinking about how you can fine-tune it… my thoughts are along these lines:

    • ‘smart but directionless’ – as Craig says, how does this impact the script. ?This will be the beginning of his growth arc, so I’m guessing he’s smart because you want him to be able to figure out what to do? ?And directionless is covering a backstory of why he’s working as a pizza boy rather than using his intellect? ?So by the end of the story he’ll be smart and have a direction in life? ?What will this direction be? ?How will this help him convince a mafia don they made a mistake and how will this successful mission give him direction in life? ?What flaws will it fix and how?
    • I guess his family being threatened is a threat for him to come out of hiding? ?If they are held hostage, why wouldn’t he just use himself as a bargaining chip to get access to the Don? ?Problem sorted – or at least family saved?
    • Who was supposed to get the kiss? ?Would locating them help him in his mission (without throwing them under the bus of course)?
    • Why pizza? ?If he can be any kind of delivery boy, I’d choose one that helps you in your plot/comes in useful in the solution… it may be pizza still, or it could be documents, medicine?

    Regards
    Trix

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