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Forced out of a cloistered life after his employer dies, an illiterate simpleton gardener becomes a media celebrity and Washington influencer after a dying billionaire mistakes his gardening advice as metaphorical words of economic wisdom.
I would like to remark on the strategy I used to arrive at the version I posted.The general rule is that a logline should be no longer than 25 words in length.? But, of course, there are always exceptions, outliers.? Loglines that require more than 30 words are a particular challenge. (Loglines thatRead more
I would like to remark on the strategy I used to arrive at the version I posted.
The general rule is that a logline should be no longer than 25 words in length.? But, of course, there are always exceptions, outliers.? Loglines that require more than 30 words are a particular challenge. (Loglines that exceed 40 words are a problem? –? a fatal flaw. A logline longer than 40 words is DOA — dead on arrival.)
So the question is: how best to craft a logline for scripts and story ideas that are longer?? My answer is:? deliver the story hook within the first 25 words.
The story hook? for “Being There” is how a simpleton gardener becomes a media celebrity and Washington influencer.? My first rough drafts for a logline followed the sequence of events.? And so:
His employer’s death forces a illiterate simpleton out of his cloistered life into the world where a politically powerful but dying billionaire mistakes him as a sage economist transforming him into a celebrity and influential Washington player.
Well, at 37 words it stays under the 40 word ceiling and, less or more, conveys what the story is about.? But it contains a serious flaw:? the reader has to slog through 28 words to find out what the story hook is.? (And I am rabid on the point that the story hook is the most important element in a logline.) So I reworked the logline? until I could plant the story hook before the 25th word , that is,? state it within the generally accepted maximum logline length.
In the version posted, the story hook is inserted before word 22.? I violated the letter of the “law” with a 35 word logline, but observed the “spirit” by getting the story hook within the 1st 25 words.
Mission accomplished.
fwiw
See lessA former child actor’s life has turned upside down when he mentors a teenage boy who looks like him during his younger days.
I'm not sure why you had drug dealer in the first place... why would seeing someone who looks like his younger self turn his life upside down?I realise you've changed it to 'former child actor' but this is such an extreme change, that I wondered how it could be done whilst leaving the rest of the loRead more
I’m not sure why you had drug dealer in the first place… why would seeing someone who looks like his younger self turn his life upside down?
I realise you’ve changed it to ‘former child actor’ but this is such an extreme change, that I wondered how it could be done whilst leaving the rest of the logline intact? ?Surely the motivation was embedded within the entire sentence.
Changing it to a former child actor, actually makes it work really well for me (which is why I’m so surprised you had a drug dealer in the first place)… either you’ve struck lucky, or there’s some method to your madness?
This needs a bit of work, but is so much better in its construction than previous loglines. ?I can see why a former (possibly forgotten) child actor would be impacted by a rising star who looks just like him, it sounds like he could either mentor this boy to avoid all the mistakes he made and therefore progress to becoming the successful adult actor he could never be himself, or he could jealously sabotage his career so that the teen also becomes a forgotten child actor that once showed promise but falls into obscurity.
I’d work on this some more and refine it to clarify what the story is – starting with being specific about how his life is turned upside down.
I really like this idea.
Regards
See lessTrix
Two directionless twenty-something bartenders are accidentally exposed to information about a fixed horse race and try to take advantage of this potential windfall without tipping their hand to the nasty thugs that planned the caper
Jamzies:I advocate composing two loglines for works projects, a development version to rough out the fundamentals of the plot for the work in progress, and eventually a marketing version for pitching the finished script.? (Ideally, the two could be one and the same, but in practice that is not alwayRead more
Jamzies:
I advocate composing two loglines for works projects, a development version to rough out the fundamentals of the plot for the work in progress, and eventually a marketing version for pitching the finished script.? (Ideally, the two could be one and the same, but in practice that is not always the case. )
“Gets in too deep” is vague,? needs clarification and specificity. Right now, I am interested in a development logline version of your concept that lays down the fundamental elements:? inciting incident, protagonist, objective goal, antagonist, stakes.? (And it is perfectly kosher for a development version to begin with “when” because it’s for a work in progress, only for private use. I agree that the marketing version for when the finished script goes public should try to avoid leading off with that word.)
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