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A cheerless workaholic?s attempt to mercy kill her ailing grandfather goes spectacularly wrong when his easygoing caregiver Kyle takes the euthanasia pill instead. Overwhelmed with guilt, Joy dives down a rabbit-hole in New York City on a 24-hour quest for a cure while also giving Kyle the best last day of his life (just in case!).
That's a fresh premise!>> A cheerless workaholic?sWith the predicament she gets into, it's hard to see what these two flaws add to the story. One flaw for the logline is usually enough, though sometimes there is no significant flaw and it's more about the innocent (or innocent-ish) protag dealRead more
That’s a fresh premise!
>> A cheerless workaholic?s
With the predicament she gets into, it’s hard to see what these two flaws add to the story. One flaw for the logline is usually enough, though sometimes there is no significant flaw and it’s more about the innocent (or innocent-ish) protag dealing with the issue.
>> to mercy kill her ailing grandfather
Consider that he pressures her to do it or there’s some other mixup with the same result. Even for a comedy, I’m not sure I’d care for the protag otherwise.
>> goes spectacularly wrong
Redundant, the action conveys this.
>> Kyle…Joy
Cut the names.
>> dives down a rabbit-hole
Seems to say make-believe is involved. Is that the case? If yes, clarify. If no, cut as it would be redundant with a clearer A Story.
>> on a 24-hour quest for a cure while also giving Kyle the best last day of his life (just in case!).
Hard to see how both are active and simultaneous objectives. Is one more of the A Story?
By shortening other parts, there would be room to clarify the cure quest, if that’s the A Story. Does she have to go to a particular place? Is she seeking a particular person or ingredient? What is the conflict in trying to achieve something like this?
See less2 LIFELONG RIVALS OF OVER 50 YRS BECOME FRIENDS AFTER A NEW PERSON THREATENS THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD TURF
This logline, in my opinion, should start with the inciting incident, "After a new person threatens..." and "Two (not 2) lifelong rivals..." should follow.. "Become friends" is the close of the final act and should be omitted, instead telling what happens during the second act. Also, the logline doeRead more
This logline, in my opinion, should start with the inciting incident, “After a new person threatens…” and “Two (not 2) lifelong rivals…” should follow.. “Become friends” is the close of the final act and should be omitted, instead telling what happens during the second act. Also, the logline doesn’t portray that the genre is a comedy.
See lessWhen a less than confident daughter attends her parents wild 60th Wedding Anniversary Party without her husband, her image obsessed mother nit-picks her to reveal that her marriage is over.
Hi uniqueequine,I agree with everything said above but also want to add a few things:1) fix your spelling/grammar at the end:image-obsessed mother nitpicks her, revealing that her marriage is over.2) The end statement about revealing that her marriage is over doesn't provide us with an action for thRead more
Hi uniqueequine,
I agree with everything said above but also want to add a few things:
1) fix your spelling/grammar at the end:
image-obsessed mother nitpicks her, revealing that her marriage is over.
2) The end statement about revealing that her marriage is over doesn’t provide us with an action for the daughter. What does she do after realizing her mother is right? Get drunk and sleep with her father’s best friend? Her mother nitpicking her is not the story but what she does as a result IS.
Also, you don’t need to capitalize “wedding anniversary party” and it’s “parents'” with an apostrophe since it’s possessive.
Good luck!
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