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  1. Posted: January 9, 2019In: Comedy

    An ambitious app developer must work at his late father?s winery before he can inherit it and cash out for the money he needs to stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app.

    Richiev Singularity
    Added an answer on January 10, 2019 at 11:48 am

    This is not a critique of the logline.Instead, I just wanted to say, I think the story should end with the lead saving the winery by creating a wine selling app.In other words, the leads app gets stolen from him, he loses his job and is forced to work at the family winery. (The last place he wants tRead more

    This is not a critique of the logline.

    Instead, I just wanted to say, I think the story should end with the lead saving the winery by creating a wine selling app.

    In other words, the leads app gets stolen from him, he loses his job and is forced to work at the family winery. (The last place he wants to work)??However, the winery is losing money.
    So he saves the day by bringing the winery?into the modern age.

    Plus this ties the beginning of the movie (Losing his app) with the end of the movie (Creating a successful app)

    I also don’t think his father should be dead. I think he has a bad relationship with his father.
    His father wanted him to take over the family winery because it’s in his blood. But the lead turned his back on the winery and his father to go join a tech company.

    So what the lead thinks he wants is?to get his app back or possibly his old job back.
    But what he really needs is to repair his relationship with his family and save the winery.

    You should also have a fiance who dumps the lead after he loses everything. When the lead goes to the winery he meets the real love interest of the movie.
    However, in the third act the old ‘fiance’ should show back up, telling the lead she wants him back and that the company that fired him wants him back as well.
    This is everything the lead thinks he wants… but of course, in the end, the lead chooses the winery and the real love interest.

    I also think this would work very well if the lead was Hispanic.? (A?nod to the movie, “A Walk in the Clouds”) A Hispanic family that believes very strongly that nothing is more important than family.

    Anyway, I think there is a story here. I like the premise. And anything I wrote is just a suggestion.

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  2. Posted: January 9, 2019In: Comedy

    When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss’ wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.

    Richiev Singularity
    Added an answer on January 9, 2019 at 7:46 am

    What is the lead character's goal?

    What is the lead character’s goal?

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  3. Posted: January 8, 2019In: Comedy

    When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family’s deadly urge to get rich quick.

    Best Answer
    Dkpough1 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on January 8, 2019 at 11:42 pm

    "When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick." I agree with mikepedley85's review. Here's a breakdown from my understanding: Inciting incident: "discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto wiRead more

    “When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.”

    I agree with mikepedley85’s review. Here’s a breakdown from my understanding:

    Inciting incident: “discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers” —-> Agree with mikepedley85’s suggestion.

    Protagonist: “a humble bingo floor clerk” —-> Being a bingo floor clerk may have significance in the story, but it doesn’t seem necessary in the logline. Is there a shorter way to include this?? You mentioned that you intend ‘humble’ to mean poor, but I feel as though other than stating her financial status, it doesn’t tell us what kind of personality she has, and that can be used to hint at how her personality affects the story.

    Goal: “he must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.” —-> This should be changed to a specific, visual description of an objective goal. Think of the climax. At that point, what will she be trying to accomplish?

    Antagonist: From the logline, it reads as though it’s her family. But in your comment you mention an outside group who tries to kill her, since that part isn’t in the logline I can’t assess it.

    I suggest considering these above elements for your revisions.

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