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  1. Posted: September 12, 2016In: Crime

    Released from jail after 24 years, obsessed with reclaiming his fortune, a man must play a deadly game, devised by his dead wife, that leads him through the nine circles of hell.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on September 12, 2016 at 11:35 am

    What Dkpough1 wrote. Also, by defining the character as "...obsessed with reclaiming his fortune?", you're describing the character's motivation without which the audience will not be able to make sense of his goal. Without this description as a qualifier, the goal seems unmotivated and therefore asRead more

    What Dkpough1 wrote.

    Also, by defining the character as “…obsessed with reclaiming his fortune?”, you’re describing the character’s motivation without which the audience will not be able to make sense of his goal. Without this description as a qualifier, the goal seems unmotivated and therefore as mentioned above lacking in cause and effect.

    In good stories the motivation, or the need, is clear without a didactic approach, for example: During a drought, a poor Somalian??mother must cross the buffer zone to fetch water for her children. Cliche aside, the stakes are high and her obstacle and goal are clear, there is no need to describe her motivation – it’s evident in the particular set of circumstances. The description of the main character is dedicated to positioning her in the correct situation for the story, not used to describe her motivation.

    My point is, can you come up with another plot point or event that makes him HAVE to get back his fortune? Otherwise is there a different goal you could give him, one that is related to heaven and hell? What if he needs to help a condemned love one?

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  2. Posted: August 30, 2016In: Crime

    A young reporter and her Olympian interview subject clash when she digs into his past to reinvestigate the notorious murder she believes his father was wrongly convicted for ? a murder for which he pled guilty.

    mateekaq Penpusher
    Added an answer on August 31, 2016 at 7:52 am

    Thanks for your feedback! Based on your comments, it's pretty clear I'm not getting the core of my story across at all.?I'll be reworking what I have!

    Thanks for your feedback! Based on your comments, it’s pretty clear I’m not getting the core of my story across at all.?I’ll be reworking what I have!

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  3. Posted: August 11, 2016In: Crime

    When a high school kid suspects his father is responsible for a series of grisly prostitute murders, he teams up with a plucky young call girl to positively identify and stop the murderer.

    SpencerFilms Logliner
    Added an answer on August 14, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    A high school age boy comes to suspects his father is responsible for a recent series of grisly prostitute killings. Together with a plucky young call girl, he?teams up working to find the truth and stop further killings.Seems better, what do you think?

    A high school age boy comes to suspects his father is responsible for a recent series of grisly prostitute killings. Together with a plucky young call girl, he?teams up working to find the truth and stop further killings.

    Seems better, what do you think?

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