1. Posted: January 24, 2018In:

    Any criticism is welcome

    henb Samurai

    I love the concept, though the first two sentences could be condensed while still giving all the same info essentially. Perhaps try something along the lines of: 'Humanity has evolved to a point where pregnant women always carry multiple children, and only the best sibling will live.' For your finalRead more

    I love the concept, though the first two sentences could be condensed while still giving all the same info essentially. Perhaps try something along the lines of: ‘Humanity has evolved to a point where pregnant women always carry multiple children, and only the best sibling will live.’

    For your final sentence, I would drop the lead’s name, change ‘love interest’ to ‘woman he loves’,? and ‘selected as the weaker one’ could be shortened to ‘deemed unworthy (or weak).’

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  2. Posted: August 31, 2019In:

    When her mother dies, a shy, 13-year-old girl loses her faith in God and contemplates suicide when the grief overwhelms her.

    Best Answer
    yqwertz Mentor

    Assuming her mother dies at the end of Act I, something more must happen, you cannot leave her contemplating for the remainder of the film. What else is going on in the story? What event or person prevents her from suicide? (Don't even think about letting the girl go through with it.)

    Assuming her mother dies at the end of Act I, something more must happen, you cannot leave her contemplating for the remainder of the film. What else is going on in the story? What event or person prevents her from suicide? (Don’t even think about letting the girl go through with it.)

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  3. Posted: August 28, 2019In:

    The whole country watches in horror and chaos ensues as all efforts seem to go in vain trying to rescue a little boy who falls into an abandoned deep tube well.

    Best Answer
    henb Samurai

    I like the concept, it reminds me of The Simpsons, though there is a lot of potential for actual drama. A lot of this logline can be shortened to make room for more pivotal information to entice the reader further. Instead of 'seem to go in vain' you could simply put 'fail in', and 'falls into an abRead more

    I like the concept, it reminds me of The Simpsons, though there is a lot of potential for actual drama. A lot of this logline can be shortened to make room for more pivotal information to entice the reader further. Instead of ‘seem to go in vain’ you could simply put ‘fail in’, and ‘falls into an abandoned deep tube well’ could be ‘fell into an abandoned well’.

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