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When a snake attack threatens his species with extinction, a sheltered kangaroo rat must embark on a perilous journey to unite his colony with another, 250 kilometers away.
There's something here for sure. I don't think the snake attack can be said to threaten his species with extinction when there's another colony 250km away. It can threaten his colony, but we already know there are others. How does the kangaroo rat know there's another colony? Or is his quest to findRead more
There’s something here for sure.
I don’t think the snake attack can be said to threaten his species with extinction when there’s another colony 250km away. It can threaten his colony, but we already know there are others. How does the kangaroo rat know there’s another colony? Or is his quest to find others and he doesn’t know if there are any more? Either way, write it from his perspective.
“A sheltered kangaroo rat must lead the desperate survivors on a perilous journey across the desert to find more of their kind after a vicious snake attack decimates the colony.”
I can’t decide if it’s better for him to go alone and then cut back to the remains of the colony who are eagerly awaiting his return with reinforcements, or for him to have the responsibility of looking after everyone left. Go with the story you want to tell.
Keep going with this.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter her kitten was kidnapped, a girl must team up with her friends to track down the thief by invading his home.
The first thing that stands out to me... it's weird that he has to find out the "motive". I mean, if it was just to find out who did it, that's pretty straight forward, but the motive implies the detective knows who did it. So is it that he needs motive to convince him? Or some other reason? EitherRead more
The first thing that stands out to me… it’s weird that he has to find out the “motive”. I mean, if it was just to find out who did it, that’s pretty straight forward, but the motive implies the detective knows who did it. So is it that he needs motive to convince him? Or some other reason? Either give some hint as to why just the motive, or I’d just make the detective have 7 days to find out who did it.
The next main issue is that there are no stakes mentioned. There’s a time limit, which gives a bit of urgency, but, what happens if the kitten is not found in that time? You can just say “seven days to figure out the motive of the suspect or else force the police chief to end the investigation.” or… “or else the family will take matters into their own hands”… something like that.
And.. a family kitten getting kidnapped is pretty weird…. plus.. if you have a suspect and just don’t have a motive, that kind of tells me that you can just go ahead and get the kitten. If there’s no justice, it’s not a big enough deal to make a movie about, I think… despite how much I love my own cat. I mean, the cat’s fine, right?
See lessWhen a deadly wave of Coronavirus disables most of the United States and his wife, the workaholic President must retreat to a secluded area and raise his six-year-old son alone while guiding the entire nation. In the process he learns that the former task may be harder than the latter.
I don't know about this being the Coronavirus that we're right now dealing with... half the nation thinks they can just ignore it. Plus it's a little confusing that you're referring to a President that actually cares. Also, disabling the United States and his wife...the wording is a little hard to pRead more
I don’t know about this being the Coronavirus that we’re right now dealing with… half the nation thinks they can just ignore it. Plus it’s a little confusing that you’re referring to a President that actually cares. Also, disabling the United States and his wife…the wording is a little hard to parse. I’d consider saying:
When COVID-24 disables both her country and her husband, newly elected President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez must lead the nation through crisis while raising her six year old son in isolation.
See less