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  1. Posted: April 27, 2016In: Family

    When a 16-year-old delinquent in a Tibetan refugee camp is recognized by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnated spritual leader, he finds himself a stranger in his own life.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 28, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    I've got to say that I miss read the original logline as well, this is probably indicative of a flaw in the logline. I think best to re visit the wording at least to emphasize that the boy is not recognised as the Dalai Lama but as another spiritual leader. That said I don't think the stakes are higRead more

    I’ve got to say that I miss read the original logline as well, this is probably indicative of a flaw in the logline. I think best to re visit the wording at least to emphasize that the boy is not recognised as the Dalai Lama but as another spiritual leader.

    That said I don’t think the stakes are high enough, the Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of billions his significance is imminence. The re incarnation of a monk would be far less a “big deal” and therefore presents less of an obstacle for the boy to adapt for.? Would this be as interesting as if he were as the spiritual leader of billions of people and recognised around the world?
    The facts of a true event shouldn’t stand in the way of a good story, and if you’re trying to tell the story of a delinquent adapting to a sudden change and new responsibilities then perhaps greater stake would make for a better story.

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  2. Posted: April 8, 2016In: Family

    Peanut and Cracker Jack — To get back in the game a disgraced little league coach must turn a team of awkward, couch-potato kids with one superstar and the rival coach?s spurned daughter into champions.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 8, 2016 at 2:32 pm

    What DPG said. Also best to describe a plot with a definitive start and end point, in other words an inciting incident and goal. Why is the coach disgraced? What put him out of the game? Use this as the inciting incident. What does turn the team mean? Does it mean to make them better? How will he knRead more

    What DPG said.

    Also best to describe a plot with a definitive start and end point, in other words an inciting incident and goal.

    Why is the coach disgraced? What put him out of the game? Use this as the inciting incident.

    What does turn the team mean? Does it mean to make them better? How will he know that he has successfully turned them around? do they need to beat the current state champion team? What ever it is use it as the goal.

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  3. Posted: October 9, 2015In: Family

    A novice farm boy cultivates the friendship of a scarecrow to save his farming heritage from a witches brewing scheme and win the farmers cup.

    Sol Chikuse Penpusher
    Added an answer on March 11, 2016 at 11:21 am

    Thanks a lot Nir. Yes the scarecrow is a magical one. Reading the longline?again, I see it sure missed the two main things you highlighted, genre and the inciting incident. I had befriends in my original draft but thought adding the cultivate-farming semi humorous connection would be fun but perhapsRead more

    Thanks a lot Nir. Yes the scarecrow is a magical one. Reading the longline?again, I see it sure missed the two main things you highlighted, genre and the inciting incident. I had befriends in my original draft but thought adding the cultivate-farming semi humorous connection would be fun but perhaps not. Thanks for the feedback and the rewrite.

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