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When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to investigate the mysterious death of her childhood friend, she finds herself fighting for survival against the satanic cult now secretly controlling the town.
A query and a concern:The query: the whole town as victimsWhy must the cult kill off the entire town?? I mean, it's not that fanboys and fangirls of Satan can be expected to think everything through, but after they kill off the town, then what?? Does the cult renounce Satan, reorganize as a bridge cRead more
A query and a concern:
The query: the whole town as victims
Why must the cult kill off the entire town?? I mean, it’s not that fanboys and fangirls of Satan can be expected to think everything through, but after they kill off the town, then what?? Does the cult renounce Satan, reorganize as a bridge club?? What’s the? “original sin” lurking in the backstory that created the situation, anyway?
The concern😕 the whole town as victims in the logline
Josef Stalin ? yeah that Stalin, one of history’s worst tyrants ? uttered what I take to be a great dramatic principle when he said: ?One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.? Applied to drama, it means that it’s easier to induce an audience to emotionally invest in one character or one relationship (like a romance or friendship) than to induce an audience to invest in a crowd.
Case in point: The tragedy of the Titanic.
Over 1,500 died in the sinking of the Titanic. That?s the statistic, the data point. And the sinking of the Titanic is the primary story James Cameron wanted to tell.
But Cameron was wise enough in the ways of film making to know that all the spectacle, all the CGI eye candy of the sinking wasn?t sufficient to sell movie tickets. The way to sell the movie, the way to get people to care about the death of 1500, was to narrow the focus, to first get the audience to care about only two of them.
So he embedded a romantic story line about a pair of star-crossed lovers into the tragedy of the sinking.? (And more time is spent on their relationship than on the sinking.)
The rest is box-office history.
(Ditto with Avatar which is a wall-to-wall 3-D CGI eye candy from FADE IN: to FADE OUT:. Cameron didn?t rely on 3-D spectacle to sell movie tickets. He wrapped the spectacle around a lead character with a serious problem, and a love story people could emotionally invest in.)
Now then.? I have no problem if the lives of everyone in town is at stake.? But in shaping the script I suggest that it might be more effective if the story spends some time focusing on one? stake character or one relationship (between the protagonist and the lead stake character) to prime the audience, get them emotionally invested in everyone else.
It seems to me that the obvious candidate to assist in priming the audience is the protagonist’s childhood friend.? But, alas, that character is killed off the in the back story.? I suggest the character be given a stay of execution, not killed off until the end of the 1st Act, killed off after the protagonist has come to visit (for whatever reason).? Killed off after enough dramatic pipe has been laid to get the audience emotionally? primed to invest in the fate of everyone else.
FWIW
See lessLooking for advice/approval on the following logline I created. Thank you!! “After being turned into a beast in a neo-gothic world, a fearless woman disguised as a woman seeks revenge against the cult who sacrificed her during the next hunt.” What do you think? criticism and help would be greatly appreciated.
I agree with the other comments - the mix of tenses make it confusing to read. Also, could you give the woman an adjective to describe her? I wasn't sure if the Neo-gothic world is a version of Earth, or a different planet (in which case I'd probably just say that. Also, does she have to take revengRead more
I agree with the other comments – the mix of tenses make it confusing to read. Also, could you give the woman an adjective to describe her? I wasn’t sure if the Neo-gothic world is a version of Earth, or a different planet (in which case I’d probably just say that. Also, does she have to take revenge on the cult before they do the same to someone else?
See lessWhen a crew of mismatched oilfield workers stay late to finish a job in the middle of nowhere, they are attacked by bloodthirsty monsters. They’ll have to band together to fight through blood guts, and teeth if they want to live to see another sunrise.
Okay, with such a remote location, the state isn't necessary.While it still doesn't intrigue me, see if this helps to clarify the next attempt: After bloodsucking creatures attack an oilfield that is hours from the nearest town, the first female (worker or driller or x) must...The respect part isn'tRead more
Okay, with such a remote location, the state isn’t necessary.
While it still doesn’t intrigue me, see if this helps to clarify the next attempt: After bloodsucking creatures attack an oilfield that is hours from the nearest town, the first female (worker or driller or x) must…
The respect part isn’t needed in the logline and would be implied by clarifying that she’s the first woman. First day is now a secondary detail.
Considering the angle that she’s the first woman, it’s natural that what she must do is save the men…in a specific way, as was mentioned. And yet, this ‘first woman’ angle feels less-than-natural within ‘vampires in oilfield.’ Consider being direct and exploring the oil sin or consider another setting or another protag.
What’s the main thing motivating you to write this? The idea can evolve in different ways if one focuses on ‘oilfield horror,’ or ‘old-school vampires’ or ‘first woman,’ While each is clear and has potential, and the first and third can work together, all three together feels fuzzy.
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