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A troupe of aspiring college actors board a train bound for California hoping to make it big but must fight to stay alive as they are stalked by a mysterious passenger, who is eager to steal their spotlight and will stop at nothing to get it.
I don't understand how the antagonist is going to steal their spotlight? As Nicholas pointed out, they currently have no spotlight. If his goal is to get fame then surely killing any old random group of people will get the attention he desires. Why these people? What makes them special? If they wereRead more
I don’t understand how the antagonist is going to steal their spotlight? As Nicholas pointed out, they currently have no spotlight. If his goal is to get fame then surely killing any old random group of people will get the attention he desires. Why these people? What makes them special? If they were famous actors, as Nicholas suggested, then I can understand why this would get more attention but I still see nothing that relates to the hero’s goal. Ideally, one hero taking charge, or whoever’s alive at the end (as in your other idea on the ship). As variable pointed out why not just contact the train authorities? Or get off the train? A contained setting is great but you need to explain why they can’t just get out of the situation that’s causing the problem.
This logline gives me more of an idea who the antagonist is but the heroes are blanks? You could always make the antagonist the protagonist? Could be a cool twist – we actually start wishing the actors dead and can’t wait to see how he kills the next one. Just gotta make him likeable. Or make the actors incredibly annoying…
What’s the incident that kicks the story off? Do they find a body? Does the train stop unexpectedly on a bridge with no means of escape?
Hope this helps.
See lessA group of students decide to throw one last party for their graduation aboard a luxury cruise liner, but the event slowly starts to turn into a nightmare when a stow away begins to wreak havoc on board, punishing the students for their past wrong doings.
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more. Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who's going to lead the group? Or, as it's a horror, who's the last person standing? The leader is a good persRead more
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more.
Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who’s going to lead the group? Or, as it’s a horror, who’s the last person standing? The leader is a good person to kill in a horror as it ups the stakes.
I’ve gotta ask – how can a group of students afford to throw a party on a luxury cruise liner….? A cruise liner suggests a ship that takes hundreds of people around the Caribbean (or similar). A luxury yacht would make more sense to me. If it’s someone’s Daddy’s yacht immediately I have nice mental image of the group of people we’re talking about too. This could just be my interpretation but my google image results show lots of pretty huge ships…
The inciting incident needs to be something specific. Something that can happen in one scene. Like “When the body of a student is found with a message cut into his flesh…” Think visually – what’s that one moment that kick starts the plot? As they’re on a boat and everyone’s gonna be wondering why they don’t just turn the boat around and head home maybe the stowaway sabotages the boat and the radio and they’re stranded at sea. Perfect! Monster in the House!!
“Event slowly turns into a nightmare” – Don’t use slowly! It’s a boring word that makes me think that I’ll spend the first 60mins waiting for something exciting to happen. What I really want is a quick, sharp shock that flips the story in the first 20mins or so. It’s a perfectly normal party then BOOM it’s a nightmare. If you’re planning on teasing the group, making them paranoid and drawing out the reveal then that could work BUT I wouldn’t describe this as happening “slowly” as there will be still be a turning point – that quick, simple moment when they realise they’re not alone.
How is this going to be different to other teen slasher films (scream, I know what you did last summer, etc)? What’s the hook?
Overall I think you just need to focus more on the specifics – wreak havoc how? punishes the students how? Sounds cool though.
See lessAfter a sinister cult conjures evil spirits in their new home, a young family must survive the demonic presence and the cult that?s hell-bent on sacrificing them to ancient deities on Halloween night.
What's new or different about it? Not asking sarcastically. Is it more character-driven than the average horror? What?
What’s new or different about it? Not asking sarcastically. Is it more character-driven than the average horror? What?
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