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When a languorous girl is warped through space-time reincarnating in the bodies of famous women after crying for the very first time, she needs to find a way out of limbo before she’ll be trapped forever.
This could be a cool fantasy/adventure film! It seems like a family film peppered with darker moments. From reading certain words ("time-space", "warped"), I thought your story was science-fiction, until I saw that you've listed it fantasy. I like the descriptor for your MC. "Time-space" sounds awkwRead more
This could be a cool fantasy/adventure film! It seems like a family film peppered with darker moments. From reading certain words (“time-space”, “warped”), I thought your story was science-fiction, until I saw that you’ve listed it fantasy. I like the descriptor for your MC. “Time-space” sounds awkward to me. If I’m not mistaken, it’s called space-time, or you could say time and space. “The very first tears of her lifetime” is too wordy. Instead, you could write: her first tears. “Her ability”, you should specify what her ability is. “Mysterious man”, I think your antagonist needs a stronger descriptor.
See lessWhen an old foe returns and takes control of a doomsday weapon, an admiral who feared his time was over must utilise all the tricks his experience taught him to save his ship and crew.
Hi Zodrak. 1. Why does the old foe use a doomsday weapon only on one ship? He could do more damage than that I suspect and put many more in danger, which would up the stakes, making the longline stronger 2. The admiral seems like a blank page. You could shorten "who feared his time was over" by usinRead more
Hi Zodrak.
1. Why does the old foe use a doomsday weapon only on one ship? He could do more damage than that I suspect and put many more in danger, which would up the stakes, making the longline stronger
See less2. The admiral seems like a blank page. You could shorten “who feared his time was over” by using something like world-worn as an adjective. It hints to a psychological state. Also the antagonist is missing a descriptive adjective which makes it hard to envision the struggle between them.
3. What doomsday weapon are we talking about here? Making it specific might make it easier to visualise the story concept.
4. It sounds like hero and villain have history together, maybe that could be hinted at as well if it doesn’t make the longline too long…
With no justice for the recent death of a gay dancer, a frustrated editor feels compelled to give his death meaning, while searching for his own.
"a frustrated editor" = protagonist "compelled to give his death meaning, while searching for his own." = main character goal "recent death of a gay dancer" = inciting incident Many of the key ingredients for a logline are present, except for the most important -> Cause & Effect. If this wereRead more
“a frustrated editor” = protagonist
“compelled to give his death meaning, while searching for his own.” = main character goal
“recent death of a gay dancer” = inciting incident
Many of the key ingredients for a logline are present, except for the most important -> Cause & Effect.
If this were my logline, I’d consider expanding upon our frustrated editor. What is likable about a mildly angry character – why might an audience sympathize?
I’d also consider what archetypical link might exist between gay dancer | frustrated editor? Implication is lovers (assumption is editor is male), … “his death, … searching for his own [death?] …” all sounds a bit muddily …
Am reading the final state as the Theme/Story premise: “If dying was the price to pay for doing what is right, would it still be worth it?”
Nice theme, but how well is the premise proven within the story? Justice leads to Death can make a very powerful story – I’m thinking of BraveHeart (1995). While here our noble protagonist gets his head chopped off, there is still a feeling by story end, that is death was worth the “FREEEEDOM!”
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