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When a young boy is taken away from his father, and starts to get raped by his mother, he must find a way to escape.
I see an event described but not an entire story. It reads like an opening line or a teaser, not a logline. Also I would drop "starts to get raped" and put in "gets raped" and drop "When" and start with "A " to tighten it up and make the action more immediate.
I see an event described but not an entire story. It reads like an opening line or a teaser, not a logline. Also I would drop “starts to get raped” and put in “gets raped” and drop “When” and start with “A ” to tighten it up and make the action more immediate.
See lessAfter aliens abandon an imminent victory against Earth, an alien Ally and a courageous lieutenant join forces in an audacious plan to stop the extinction of the solar system.
Why would the aliens abandon an imminent victory? It makes no sense and has no relationship to the goal of stopping the extinction of the solar system. Why is the solar system going extinct anyway? Without knowing what specifically is happening, the reader will never understand the plot. What are thRead more
Why would the aliens abandon an imminent victory? It makes no sense and has no relationship to the goal of stopping the extinction of the solar system. Why is the solar system going extinct anyway? Without knowing what specifically is happening, the reader will never understand the plot. What are they actually going to do to stop the extinction of the solar system? Surely the inciting incident is actually the discovery that the solar system is going to be wiped out…?
See lessA suburban family must deal with raising children, neurotic relatives and the arrival of their Pacific Island adopted daughter’s biological uncle who believes culture is more important than family.
I really like the sound of this, Ali! My thoughts reading were, in case they're helpful: 1) although it sounds like an ensemble drama, would it be worth drawing out the most prominent character and some kind of dynamic eg. the mother - a put-upon suburban mom with a lazy husband - as the protagonistRead more
I really like the sound of this, Ali! My thoughts reading were, in case they’re helpful: 1) although it sounds like an ensemble drama, would it be worth drawing out the most prominent character and some kind of dynamic eg. the mother – a put-upon suburban mom with a lazy husband – as the protagonist more – I think it would help connect with it if the reader had an individual to root for, or perhaps the married couple as dual protagonists 2) raising children – sounds a little generic – could it be more unique eg. rebellious children 3) culture – I think coming to it with no knowledge, I wasn’t sure what was meant by culture here – is it possible to be a little more specific eg. cultural heritage 4) overall, perhaps the language could also signal if it’s a broad comedy like Cheaper by the Dozen or a drama with a comedy flavour. Thank you for sharing it. Graham
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