1. Posted: May 21, 2021In:

    In order to cut the apron strings, a 30 year-old gogo boy flees his head of mafia, brothel-owning mother to a small town living off the tourism of its celebrity cemetery. There, he struggles to make a living while helping an ex-FBI agent demoted to park ranger to find her status back by resolving the corruption that took her down in the first place.

    Odie Samurai

    Very cool premise. The logline reads like two stories or (A story) gogo boy escapes mafia mom, (B story) gogo boy helps reinstate an ex-FBI agent. I would focus on the inciting incident that triggers your protag to flee mafia mom, the goal is to live a life redeemed as a tombstone tour guide to theRead more

    Very cool premise. The logline reads like two stories or (A story) gogo boy escapes mafia mom, (B story) gogo boy helps reinstate an ex-FBI agent.

    I would focus on the inciting incident that triggers your protag to flee mafia mom, the goal is to live a life redeemed as a tombstone tour guide to the stars, BUT … you need a “mom wants her gogo back – dead or alive” element for stakes, you get the idea.

    Your B story needs to revert to your main plot e.g., ex-gogo boy gets ex-agent reinstated to shut down mafia mom. Logline real estate is tiny; you can skip mentioning it.

    Q: A gogo boy is a gay go-go dancer, right? Gay or not, it would be jacked if he were the star attraction in his mother’s brothel 😉.

    Keep going!

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  2. Posted: May 18, 2021In:

    An artistic high schooler must choose between following her own dreams and attending med school with her teenage crush turned boyfriend while struggling to live up to her mother’s expectations.

    Odie Samurai

    Interesting premise, think about the following to strengthen your logline. What does “follow her dreams” look like? What drives her? E.g., the illuminating crafts of stained glass or becoming a contemporary artist in X. I dig your crossroads: - Heartstrings are being tugged by a longtime crush-turneRead more

    Interesting premise, think about the following to strengthen your logline.
    What does “follow her dreams” look like? What drives her? E.g., the illuminating crafts of stained glass or becoming a contemporary artist in X.

    I dig your crossroads:
    – Heartstrings are being tugged by a longtime crush-turned-boyfriend heading to med school.
    – Mom wants a DR or another DR as medicine runs in the family.

    All parents have expectations for their younglings, think about increasing the conflict by making this mother domineering or that she was “groomed” for med school.

    Take care.

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  3. Posted: January 21, 2021In:

    The early life and career of the 5 Elements’ founder Rosh Goldman is presented alongside the rise of extremism in the Middle East, while the Rhodium Golems reunite one year after their victory to prevent the resurrection of Project Athena.

    Bo Teng Chea Penpusher

    Hi Swevius, Your story seems to be interesting but I didn't get much while reading it. I had to search the name "Rosh Goldman" because I thought it was a real person. It is probably the name of your main character. I'm currently studying a screenwriting program (that suggests submitting one's loglinRead more

    Hi Swevius,

    Your story seems to be interesting but I didn’t get much while reading it. I had to search the name “Rosh Goldman” because I thought it was a real person. It is probably the name of your main character. I’m currently studying a screenwriting program (that suggests submitting one’s logline on this website actually). One of their advise is not to name your character because we don’t really need it and in your case, it was very confusing. What are Rhodium Golems and Project Athena ?
    Instead of giving their names, you should shortly describe them so that we can identify them as the antagonist or protagonist or what’s at stake.
    Also even if it’s important to you, while presenting your project I believe it could put you and your project in a disavantage point to mention any spectic geography or political references.
    Last point of suggestion, “is presented”, make your main character more active and do something. Your formulation makes him look passive and therefore not really interesting to follow on his journey.

    Hope these feedbacks and thoughts will help you. Keep it up ! Take care

    BO

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