1. Posted: May 5, 2020In:

    A group of women back from the dead get revenge against bullies who tormented them when they were in high school.

    Jonathon Nicholas Penpusher

    HI Tony.? What interests me about your logline was the Genre of comedy. when i read it i didnt get that feeling at all, and i think its quite a unique spin. so i would suggest to use language that eludes to it being a comedy. I.e "a nerdy" or "outcast group of dorks" something to give a visual imageRead more

    HI Tony.? What interests me about your logline was the Genre of comedy. when i read it i didnt get that feeling at all, and i think its quite a unique spin. so i would suggest to use language that eludes to it being a comedy. I.e “a nerdy” or “outcast group of dorks” something to give a visual image of who these girls are as well as making it a bit cheeky and funny. id also ask yourself, whats at stake for these girls? what happens if they dont achieve what they want to do. either way – good stuff. keeping going with it mate!

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  2. Posted: May 4, 2020In:

    After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who tries to invade her town so that she can be human again.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    INTENTION: must kill vampires so she can be human again?? OBSTACLE: vampires invading town/race against time. After she is built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must kill the vampires invading her town? (because if she doesn?t? she won?t be human again??) My notes: I?d get rid of ?triRead more

    INTENTION: must kill vampires so she can be human again??

    OBSTACLE: vampires invading town/race against time.

    After she is built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must kill the vampires invading her town? (because if she doesn?t? she won?t be human again??)

    My notes:

    I?d get rid of ?tries to?.?

    I like the time limit/ticking clock. Great element for a concept – but not very clear why she?s racing against time so she can be human again.?

    Intention and obstacle are there – fine.?

    There?s an inciting incident – not sure if it?s the right one though.

    Everything is here – it?s just not clear why.

    Why is she racing against time?

    Why does defeating vampires make her human again?

    How necessary is the ?being built into a cyborg by a fellow vampire?. Isn?t the inciting incident – ?vampires take the town?.

    How about?

    When vampires invade her hometown, a cyborg-vampire must defeat them before sunrise, in order to become human again.?

    That last part – again, not sure how how? why? How does a cyborg-vampire become human again? Perhaps she has to retrieve a talisman or something?

    I dunno – perhaps it?s fine as it is.?

    Hope this helps in some way.

    Good luck!

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  3. Posted: April 24, 2020In:

    A Lieutenant in a drug gang, misreads a situation killing his boss. This sparks an internal war eventually leading to the destruction of his gang, his death and the loss of their terroritary.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    After killing his boss, driven by his girlfriend and a misunderstanding, a drug dealer embarks on a bloody coup, ambition isn?t enough resulting in his death and the destruction of the gang he aimed to control.   Going back through the script. He is stuck in a bubble. He can?t see the bigger piRead more

    After killing his boss, driven by his girlfriend and a misunderstanding, a drug dealer embarks on a bloody coup, ambition isn?t enough resulting in his death and the destruction of the gang he aimed to control.

     

    Going back through the script. He is stuck in a bubble. He can?t see the bigger picture. He was unsure if he should do what he thought he was told to do. ?Driven by his girlfriend (in it for free drugs and ambition), he does kill his boss. But the gang goes into free fall as he doesn?t know how to step up. ?As the gang begins to implode he sees an opportunity to take control but a few people stand in his way.

    From the likability situation. Think of it like a slasher film. Everyone know Freddie, Jason, Jigsaw. ?We have empathy for their victims. ?After all there is a series called the ?walking dead? not ?people trying to survive other people and avoid zombies?.

    Thanks again.

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