Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
After a heart attack on his highschool graduation, an obese mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before starting college, in the hopes of getting laid and avoiding an early grave.
To me, the ?pursue girls? of your new logline is still a bit anti-climactic. ?It?s too close to (but not even as specific as) ?get laid?. Maybe there is already a specific girl? ?Maybe his trainer is a girl and the B-story? ?Not that they have to end up together, but maybe he can help her see the inRead more
To me, the ?pursue girls? of your new logline is still a bit anti-climactic. ?It?s too close to (but not even as specific as) ?get laid?.
Maybe there is already a specific girl? ?Maybe his trainer is a girl and the B-story? ?Not that they have to end up together, but maybe he can help her see the inner beauty in her own personal life. ?His love story could be hinted at as the warm fuzzy promise of things to come right at the end?
Originally your logline read as a Porky?s style flick (god that ages me! LOL), but your response above suggests a deeper message delivered with humour.
Why is he a mama?s boy? ?How could that relationship shape his story? ?Is it because (as Nir suggested) his father died (of a heart attack?) and she?s wrapped him in cotton wool? ?Is it because she?s remarrying and she wants him to be able to walk her down the aisle?
The concept is really growing on me as I?ve not come across a story where such a young MC has a heart attack at a mile-stone event? I can see a film opening on that inciting incident and being hooked to find out how the hell did this happen and where is this kid?s life going to go from here.
See lessWhen a machete-wielding crew chases a young gang member, he?s forced to drive incognito with a Hassidic geriatric to complete a drug run.
Hassidic?Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )Or if you really want to get the Hassidic's knickers in a wad,, have the kid's father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honesRead more
Hassidic?
Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )
Or if you really want to get the Hassidic’s knickers in a wad,, have the kid’s father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!
Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honest-to-Elohim conflict of age, culture race,, ethics, the Torah and the Talmud.
If you’re going to throw two people in the same car for the duration of a long ride, give them something to argue about.
See lessPresent day: After his mother is accidentally killed during a father-son quarrel, a young martial artist must find his long-lost uncle – to explain his mother’s dying words, while he is relentlessly pursued by his father, a martial arts master who has vowed to kill him.
Redroad:Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle -- he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline -- logic,motivation,? causality -- must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn't allow wriRead more
Redroad:
Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle — he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline — logic,motivation,? causality — must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn’t allow writers the? luxury of space to explain. Only time? (10-12 seconds) to tell.
Let me clarify my pov:? for the purposes of the script as distinct from the logline, you can work in all that material about his also needing to deliver a message.
But a logline? is different.? A writer has to work within the tyranny of a template.? He must distill 100+ pages of script down to one sentence of (ideally) 30 words or less that contains a short list of elements:? inciting incident, character, goal, obstacle.
Oh, the outrageous tyranny of the template, the inhumanity of being constrained to only 30 words!? But that’s the nature of the biz beast.
Now then:
On the basis of? my own systematic? and extensive study of loglines , I have concluded that “sweet? spot” for logline word length is 20-30 words. 30-35 words is tolerable;? 35-40 is worrisome.? Anything over 40 words is unacceptable.
I don’t expect you to accept that just because I say it;? I can back it up it with a graph of a logline database I have built.? But the ability to upload graphs at this site has been disabled.? However, check out this link to a graph I was able to post in in a discussion thread in 2016. (Since then, the sample size has grown to 940; the distribution remains relatively stable.)
Your latest version is 46 words long.? So I suggest it needs to be trimmed:? Here is my revision that comes in? at 36 words.
After his mother accidentally dies in a family fight, a grieving young martial artist must flee home and find protection from his long-lost uncle while fending off his father’s warriors who have orders to kill him.
It needs polishing, but there it is.? My takeaway is that when it comes to drafting loglines, less is more.
fwiw
See less