1. Posted: October 21, 2019In:

    When his fianc?e falls seriously ill, a brilliant and tortured scientist goes on a dangerous quest to find the revolutionary invention that would save her. But the feeling of being manipulated by mysterious people since childhood is becoming more and more real.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn't a real hook there -- at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it's meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it's not tied in with the first sentence, whRead more

    The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn’t a real hook there — at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it’s meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it’s not tied in with the first sentence, which is the main plot/story.? I think it’s not so necessary to describe the scientist as brilliant.? He’s dealing with revolutionary inventions, so we can assume that.? He’s also probably tortured, having a seriously ill wife that he desperately needs an invention for.? I’d try to replace those adjectives with something that relates, or maybe replaces the second sentence.? What is it about the scientist that make these mysterious people reach out to him?? Can you at least hint at that with a new adjective?? You might also get more room taking out “dangerous quest”.? Actually, I’m betting “dangerous quest” has something to do with that second sentence, since just trying to invent things isn’t inherently dangerous.? At least expanding on what this quest is all about might explain how the mysterious people tie in.

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  2. Posted: October 16, 2019In:

    When stuck in a Groundhog Day 7-day cycle after an explosion on the ISS, a career-obsessed astronaut must figure out the cause of the blast and why he keeps coming back.

    dpg Singularity

    Mikepedley85:Okay.? However, there are clear stakes -- global stakes -- from the git-go in? "Interstellar": the survival of humanity.? What are the stakes, personal and global, in this scenario?? What does he stand to suffer, to lose if he can't break out of the infinite loop? (I mean, it occurs toRead more

    Mikepedley85:

    Okay.? However, there are clear stakes — global stakes — from the git-go in? “Interstellar”: the survival of humanity.? What are the stakes, personal and global, in this scenario?? What does he stand to suffer, to lose if he can’t break out of the infinite loop? (I mean, it occurs to me that one option is that he could be having an anti-Groundhog Day experience in that the week he keeps looping through is the best week of his life.)

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  3. Posted: October 21, 2019In: ,

    Four soldiers have one day to exploit the chaos of the 1991 Gulf War to steal gold from Iraq that Iraq stole from Kuwait.

    dpg Singularity

    mikepedley85:Well, the logline says they're stealing the gold.? If it was an authorized military operation, then they wouldn't be stealing, would they?? They would be doing it to restore the gold to its rightful owner (Kuwait).? Further, if it was an authorized action, the military wouldn't send merRead more

    mikepedley85:

    Well, the logline says they’re stealing the gold.? If it was an authorized military operation, then they wouldn’t be stealing, would they?? They would be doing it to restore the gold to its rightful owner (Kuwait).? Further, if it was an authorized action, the military wouldn’t send merely 4 soldiers to recover a fortune in gold.? Heck, they’d send at least a battalion (1-2,000 men)? or maybe a brigade (2-5,000 men) backed up by air support.

    ?

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