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A 15 year old child prodigy who was born with amazing powers and abilities must unwittingly use those powers to save the city of Boston from a psychotic superpowered cult leader with the help of his equally reluctant and estranged grandfather…a former criminal genius supervillain.
I like the idea of SuperHero/SuperVillain family dynamics. Could be fun twist on super hero movies :) The kids dad is a supervillain now he forced to be one. He instead decides to use his superpowers for good and enlists his grandad to help him. How about: "A 15 year supervillain turns superhero andRead more
I like the idea of SuperHero/SuperVillain family dynamics. Could be fun twist on super hero movies 🙂 The kids dad is a supervillain now he forced to be one. He instead decides to use his superpowers for good and enlists his grandad to help him. How about:
“A 15 year supervillain turns superhero and enlists the help of his supervillain grandpa to save his city from a psychotic super-powered cult leader.”
See less?When people across the US suddenly start descending into unexplained comas as the hit their 35th birthday, a pro-vaccine doctor and his 34 year old daughter discover a link to a preservative added to vaccine shots 40 years ago and begin to push the most powerful pharmaceutical company in the world for answers.? (1 Hour TV Drama) Updated Version.
I feel like there will most definitely be a shorter way of saying this. I think there's a few bits that are over-explained a little and we can probably trim them down a bit.From a story perspective, surely the vaccinations weren't just all made 40 years ago. They'd be produced daily. So what's actuaRead more
I feel like there will most definitely be a shorter way of saying this. I think there’s a few bits that are over-explained a little and we can probably trim them down a bit.
From a story perspective, surely the vaccinations weren’t just all made 40 years ago. They’d be produced daily. So what’s actually happening that will cause people, say someone who had the vaccine 5 years ago and another 30 years ago, to both potentially be at risk? This has to be believable whilst not necessarily accurate. It may work better if there’s a dormant enzyme (I’m not a scientist so bear with me) that only activates when it’s been in the human body for a prolonged period of time. It affects some people quicker than others but there is still a period that it is “safe” for. Now stick his daughter just coming to end of that “safe” period and you’re upping the tension and giving us a ticking clock. In addition to this, make it more extreme than just blacking out. Make it something that is potentially life-threatening (I get that blackouts could be if they’re driving or whatever but still). Make it something like slipping into a coma or go into a vegetative state. Something that is curable but requires hospitalisation. This then adds pressure to the health care industry and adds another story strand – there’d be a lot of people under 40 there – but also provides a perfect set up for why this disgraced doctor would be allowed back in. They need the staff.
Anyway… back to the logline.
Inciting incident – there are two currently: people blacking out and his discovery. I think that with a few tweaks you could make this one whilst still suggesting everything you have so far. The I.I. should be the blackouts as this sets up his goal. The discovery is part of his journey towards the goal.
“once famous now discredited doctor” – 5 words. I get that you want to suggest some sort of redemption arc with him but I wonder if just saying something like “disgraced doctor” would suffice for a logline. The fact that his daughter is affected is interesting and adds a personal angle but I almost feel like that’s the B story – his internal arc is redemption, that’s his primary internal goal. I could go either way on this but based on how you’ve framed the rest of it I’d say remove that for now.
Goal – find the truth. That works.
Ok, so let’s trim it down.
“When people across the US begin slipping into vegetative states after their 35th birthday, a disgraced immunologist and his 34 year old daughter go on a quest for answers that leads them to the most powerful pharmaceutical company in the world.”
Sure there’s still issues with the above but hope this helps.
See less“A hard-headed Police Chief leads a small group of ‘Sleepers?, those to whom a new anti-sleep drug has no effect or choose not to use it, to battle against the increasingly powerful and psychotic ?Woke? to get justice for his son?s death and prevent society from descending into violent chaos.” (1 Hour TV Drama) Updated Version
Gilligaj: Some randomized thoughts: Frankly, I was more interested in the earlier ?Recals? version you posted despite its complexity and my nit picking over the legal issue. Why? Well, I?m a rabid true believer in the principle that a strong hook is the most important element in a logline by a new wRead more
Gilligaj:
Some randomized thoughts:
Frankly, I was more interested in the earlier ?Recals? version you posted despite its complexity and my nit picking over the legal issue. Why?
Well, I?m a rabid true believer in the principle that a strong hook is the most important element in a logline by a new writer trying to break into the business. That the paramount job of a logline is to sell the sizzle, not describe the steak.
Ideally, a good logline does double duty:? it both sells the sizzle as well as describes the steak, the key elements of the plot.? But sometimes it may be necessary to write two loglines: one to market the script that spotlights the sizzle, and a second one to develop the script that focuses on describing the plot.
This version of your story idea (with a ?polish) may be useful as a logline for developing the script, but, IMHO, it doesn?t sell the sizzle. And what is the sizzle? A drug that enables people to stay awake 24/7/365. Which this version of the logline mentions but doesn?t highlight, doesn?t really focus on.
And then I read in your last comment:
>>>powerful and pyschotic ?woke?
Woke.
That might be the story hook word, the word around which to brainstorm and organize the plot.? And pitch it:? ?Woke? could be the title of the script.? Heck, the name of the drug.
I suggest you do a ?Coppola? with that one word, as in Francis Ford Coppola, the technique he used to write and direct the screen adaptation of ?The Godfather?.? (See my recent post in another logline thread on the ?The Godfather Notebook?.)? See where it takes you, what new discoveries you make.
fwiw
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