1. Posted: August 29, 2022In:

    When an orphaned French aristocrat must confront his estranged father, who means to kill him, he is shanghaied by Confederate pirates and cast into the backwoods of the Civil War, where he joins a band of notorious bushwhackers to survive.

    MitchW Logliner

    I think the character and inciting incident are there but joining the bushwhackers to survive isn't the greatest. The reason I think this is that it's a very open ended goal. He could continue 'surviving' indefinitely. You need to have an outwardly achievable goal for you main character to achieve.Read more

    I think the character and inciting incident are there but joining the bushwhackers to survive isn’t the greatest. The reason I think this is that it’s a very open ended goal. He could continue ‘surviving’ indefinitely. You need to have an outwardly achievable goal for you main character to achieve. It seems like the confrontation with his father is the true goal so I would add that into the logline rather than just surviving.

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  2. Posted: August 29, 2022In:

    When an anxious, artistic teen girl receives a flyer for auditions to her dream school, then she is challenged to create a portfolio while trying to navigate her ruptured home life, until an accident with her drunk father forces her to improvise.

    markferland Penpusher

    When an artistic teen receives a flyer for auditions to her dream school, she is challenged to create a portfolio while trying to navigate a ruptured home life, until an accident involving her alcoholic father forces her to improvise. 'anxious' seems redundant here, as well as 'girl', finally, 'invoRead more

    When an artistic teen receives a flyer for auditions to her dream school, she is challenged to create a portfolio while trying to navigate a ruptured home life, until an accident involving her alcoholic father forces her to improvise.

    ‘anxious’ seems redundant here, as well as ‘girl’, finally, ‘involving’ works much better than ‘with’. I think this reads, sounds, and flows a lot better. Hope that helps. Sounds like a great story. You might want to play around with some other adjectives besides ‘talented’ to make your protagonist a little more interesting.

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  3. Posted: August 29, 2022In:

    A peasant and a magician team up to find a magic flute that grants wishes.

    MitchW Logliner

    You should check out the formula page on this site. For a compelling story your character should be forced into this scenario. You need to add an inciting incident that pushes them into needing this flute. Also i would pick a single character to follow rather than two. It's generally easier. I'm thiRead more

    You should check out the formula page on this site. For a compelling story your character should be forced into this scenario. You need to add an inciting incident that pushes them into needing this flute. Also i would pick a single character to follow rather than two. It’s generally easier. I’m thinking of something like this, which may not be anywhere near what you’re intending but will hopefully get my point across:

    When a peasant is wrongfully accused of theft, he must enlist the help of the town magician to find a wosh granting flute to clear his name.

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