1. Posted: July 3, 2017In:

    Vowlence Rewrite: After falling for another woman and in love with having choice, a rogue “constructed” husband must battle his original creator and society’s hell-bent effort to maintain matrimony’s perfect success rate, in his driven pursuit of true love.

    dpg Singularity

    Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must..." ?Well, he must do what?To repeat, you don't need to shoe horn in the notion that he's ?exercising free choice insteadRead more

    Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must…” ?

    Well, he must do what?

    To repeat, you don’t need to shoe horn in the notion that he’s ?exercising free choice instead of adhering to his programming. ?That’s implicit in the complication that boots up the plot, his falling in love with another woman.

    If you want to wax philosophical on that abstract point in the script, knock yourself out. ?But not in the logline. ?The logline ?is a sales tool with ?a primary directive: grab attention, whet interest in reading the script. In the fewest possible words. ? In loglines, less is more effective and more is less effective.

    An logline that sells is about flesh and blood people in conflict. ?Not fleshless, bloodless abstractions.

    I think you’ve got ?a strong hook. I give it a thumbs up. ?It just needs a polish.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: July 1, 2017In:

    When severe brain trauma hallucination escalates to a pain crippling, suicidal head, a memory broke teen who wants to live, must imagine a super programmer who integrates a virtual reality to recovery

    Dkpough1 Uberwriter

    "When severe brain trauma hallucination escalates to a pain crippling, suicidal head, a memory broke teen who wants to live, must imagine a super programmer who integrates a virtual reality to recovery" This version of the logline still describes things that a general reader won't understand, story-Read more

    “When severe brain trauma hallucination escalates to a pain crippling, suicidal head, a memory broke teen who wants to live, must imagine a super programmer who integrates a virtual reality to recovery”

    This version of the logline still describes things that a general reader won’t understand, story-specific terminology and ideas.
    The first thing is that the inciting incident should be a specific event, one that motivates the character to pursue the goal. So how does “When severe brain trauma hallucination escalates to a pain crippling, suicidal head,” translate into a specific event? In the first version there was a dream, what specifically causes this pain?
    What does memory broke mean?
    How does imagining a programmer who integrates a virtual reality help him recovery?
    The logline needs to present a specific,?visual objective goal and action to achieve that goal. It needs to describe what we will see onscreen, and a goal that has a visual representation so the audience will know it is achieved or not.

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  3. Posted: June 12, 2017In:

    When the Abyss Men – the third generation of subatlantic colonists – return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes, a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe – both from the Abyss Men and her own tribe.

    dpg Singularity

    One challenge with loglining ?SciFi stories is that they are about unfamiliar worlds. ?Since the brevity requirement precludes explaining that world, it is usually better to describe the story in familiar terminology. ?Introducing unfamiliar terms in a logline is usually a stumbling block.So while sRead more

    One challenge with loglining ?SciFi stories is that they are about unfamiliar worlds. ?Since the brevity requirement precludes explaining that world, it is usually better to describe the story in familiar terminology. ?Introducing unfamiliar terms in a logline is usually a stumbling block.

    So while subterranean is a familiar term, “subatlantic” is not. ?Now, ?I can guess “subatlantic” is akin to subterranean, but I shouldn’t have to guess. ?The logline is a promotional tool, to get movie makers to read the script. ?It should entice — not puzzle.

    fwiw

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