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In the near future, a young genius escapes a moonbase where a madman secretly enslaves scientists in his plan to wipe out life on Earth but when no one believes him, he alone must find a way to destroy the base and free the other scientists.
It's a cool, dramatic premise. I don't get a feel for the character yet, though. "Young genius" is not enough to promise an engaging character for me. What personal challenges does the character face? Also, the survival of mankind is only a valid stake if there is someone close to the MC that we carRead more
It’s a cool, dramatic premise. I don’t get a feel for the character yet, though.
“Young genius” is not enough to promise an engaging character for me.
What personal challenges does the character face?
Also, the survival of mankind is only a valid stake if there is someone close to the MC that we care enough for to understand why he does it, other than out of self-preservation. This is why so many disaster movies are centred around families and/or couples.
Finally, I would prefer to see a logline following our formula, starting with ‘when’.
See lessRight now I struggle to see a clear trigger incident for the story, which means there may be a lot of exposition and backstory.
An earnest biology teacher fights a desperate battle to stop the military from weaponizing his students, who’ve developed a group mind after they’ve been infected by a spore from a decommissioned satellite.
I would just change the order a bit because it felt like i was playing catch up while reading. Maybe... An earnest biology teacher fights a desperate battle to stop the military from weaponizing his students by infecting them with a spore from a decommissioned satellite, causing them to develop a grRead more
I would just change the order a bit because it felt like i was playing catch up while reading. Maybe…
An earnest biology teacher fights a desperate battle to stop the military from weaponizing his students by infecting them with a spore from a decommissioned satellite, causing them to develop a group mind.
Also, developing a group mind doesn’t sound too terribly bad or urgent. What is it about this group mind that is dangerous? The word weaponizing is good, and battle as well, but then this wording kind of takes the danger out of it.
See lessAfter being accidentally injected with an experimental hyper adrenaline drug, a skinny, shy and dull-life man must learn how to use his newly ultra-energized body to escape from a secret government organization which is on the hunt for him.
Excellent! A nitpick/suggestion, I'd consider using "lifeless" over "dull-life" which sounds a little awkward imo
Excellent! A nitpick/suggestion, I’d consider using “lifeless” over “dull-life” which sounds a little awkward imo
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