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When a superhero is infected with his engineered plague, her ex-boyfriend escapes from prison to steal from a military lab and create a cure before the woman he loves dies in three days.
There are too many moving parts to this one machine. The complexity of the concept is being reflected in the logline, as most of the people on this thread found it confusing.?The fact that he invented?the plague in the first place, as a means of making it more personal, is redundant seeing as she isRead more
There are too many moving parts to this one machine.
The complexity of the concept is being reflected in the logline, as most of the people on this thread found it confusing.?The fact that he invented?the plague in the first place, as a means of making it more personal, is redundant seeing as she is his ex and the woman he still loves. Him producing a plague is a complication the story could do without, what if he is a genius that was wrongly put in jail and also the only one who can save the woman he loves? This would simplify the concept and add credibility to his motivations.
In essence the big problem is the question of which?story is going to be the focus of the script.??I think DPG’s suggestion is the best one, consider separating the back story from the main plot and engineer either the back story or the main plot to work on their own.
See lessWhen his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn't expect such kind and insightful review! I'll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here: I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was "the concept is too weak". So, I'll turn it around this time. RatheRead more
Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn’t expect such kind and insightful review! I’ll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here:
I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was “the concept is too weak”. So, I’ll turn it around this time. Rather than building the story first and then building the logline, I’ll borrow a page from “Save the Cat!” and start with a rough? idea, then logline it and see if it excites people. And THEN flesh it out into a real story.
Which should explain why my first and second logline differ so much (as t9ejane rightly pointed out). So, yes, the goal and theme are not yet completely formulated as I only have a vague idea right now. They are free to change while I nail down the perfect logline that excites people. I guess once the logline’s done I’ll know what the goal and theme will be. First logline didn’t excite people, so I need to change it fundamentally.
As for the “drug-addicted” part, yes, that one I think is essential – androids don’t do drugs. It is one of the basic flaws of being human, so that should form a very essential part of a possible theme “which is better: machine or human?” Nir Shelter captured my thinking here quite well. Hower, I’ll try and avoid cliche (e.g. suicide of an addict, police doesn’t want to investigate, etc…) and turn it around: The police AI is dumbfounded about the whole case and teams up with the PI because he seems to be the only one who might be able to figure it out – logic is not enough. Of course, I’ll have to figure out some obstacles to throw in the PI’s way, but that’s details for now.
I agree with dpg and Dkpough1 regarding “estranged” – that can go. It’ll probably be in the story but it is not essential for the logline.
And yes, I assume asimov’s laws hold as dpg pointed out. But “override the AI’s programming…” already suggests too much of an explanation, I’d rather keep it mysterious, plus again I want to avoid cliche’.
So, third iteration coming up shortly and again, a thousand thanks for your valuable input.
See lessIn a world where most jobs have been taken over by AI’s, a drug addicted private investigator is hired to help an android detective solve a murder case that threatens the very foundations of society.
Agreed with the above, the vague and generic descriptions work agains the logline. Also as in most good detective stories, best to engineer a personal stake for the MC and use that as the inciting incident. Otherwise getting hired to do another job is not an inciting incident, it's his usual day-to-Read more
Agreed with the above, the vague and generic descriptions work agains the logline.
Also as in most good detective stories, best to engineer a personal stake for the MC and use that as the inciting incident. Otherwise getting hired to do another job is not an inciting incident, it’s his usual day-to-day.
Considering the world you have (advanced technologies, AI and what ever else you have in it) what is truly out of the ordinary for this particular PI?
See lessMake that his inciting incident.