1. Posted: April 24, 2020In:

    “After a series of bizarre events erupt across the globe, a self-sabotaging math genius is forced, along with a team of hand-picked misfits, to? maintain a bug ridden simulation, namely, life as we know it.” Title: ‘Revelations’ – 1 Hour Scifi TV Pilot

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This is a bit wordy and lacks a clear cause and effect relationship. "...a series of bizarre events..." is too vague, what one event spurs him or her to take action? How will the MC being a self-sabotaging math genius help or hinder their efforts? In other words, what is the main character's flaw? MRead more

    This is a bit wordy and lacks a clear cause and effect relationship.

    “…a series of bizarre events…” is too vague, what one event spurs him or her to take action?

    How will the MC being a self-sabotaging math genius help or hinder their efforts? In other words, what is the main character’s flaw?

    More importantly, as this is a series, the premise engine isn’t clear. Good series loglines need a premise that will reliably generate new scenarios for each episode. There’s something there with the simulation thing (reminiscent of the Matrix), but it’s not clear enough how it will be interesting to see this story unfold episode after episode. Predominantly, this is as the logline fails to describe a flawed character that will clash with the world around them in their pursuit of an ambition.

     

     

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  2. Posted: April 2, 2020In:

    When a peaceful young man from the hard streets of gangland Los Angeles accidentally travels through time and witnesses his grandfather commit murder, he fights to change the past without becoming as violent as his neighborhood. Note: Series pilot for an hour-long drama.

    Ninann22 Logliner

    There is a lot going on in this story from what you explained. It?s a little confusing. Adding time travel to a storyline can be risky, because it has been done so many times. In addition, it has to be clear so everyone gets it. Remember you have to pitch this idea. If you have to take time to explaRead more

    There is a lot going on in this story from what you explained. It?s a little confusing. Adding time travel to a storyline can be risky, because it has been done so many times. In addition, it has to be clear so everyone gets it. Remember you have to pitch this idea. If you have to take time to explain this to a producer , it?s a no go. Look into movies like the Butterfly Effect, Project Almanac, and the Time Travelers Wife for examples. That will help execute your idea better into a simple yet interesting concept.

    I hope this helps. Happy writing.

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  3. Posted: February 27, 2020In:

    Ruby Fox, an electrokinetic woman, has to must discover the truth of her twisted past to save her daughter, who the government claims does not exist.

    captaindooley Logliner

    I don't feel any urgency or pressing need from this logline. Is she saving her daughter from crappy foster parents or is the government doing something to her?? I agree with Richiev too ? what do her powers have to do with it? Does her daughter also have powers and that's why the government is coverRead more

    I don’t feel any urgency or pressing need from this logline. Is she saving her daughter from crappy foster parents or is the government doing something to her?? I agree with Richiev too ? what do her powers have to do with it? Does her daughter also have powers and that’s why the government is covering up her existence? This sets up and raises questions, but doesn’t lay out the main choice the protagonist needs to make or the antagonist for them to fight, so it ultimately doesn’t grab my attention enough to read the script.

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