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After the crew of a huge freight ship sailing from Tunesia to New York opens a container, they discover a group of terrorists.
You are just stating the inciting incident and the first plot point of your story. What happens after they discover the terrorists? What is the goal of your protagonist, as dpg already pointed out above?
You are just stating the inciting incident and the first plot point of your story.
See lessWhat happens after they discover the terrorists? What is the goal of your protagonist, as dpg already pointed out above?
When a paranoid new king starts burning women at the stake, a mysterious outsider must embrace both her destiny and the ancient Hermetic ways to change the course of history.
The second version of the logline is better - it has a specific event as the inciting incident and gives her a goal. You need to take it further than that though. The inciting incident is still disconnected from the MC on a personal level and doesn't seem to directly motivate the MC. I suggest you mRead more
The second version of the logline is better – it has a specific event as the inciting incident and gives her a goal. You need to take it further than that though.
The inciting incident is still disconnected from the MC on a personal level and doesn’t seem to directly motivate the MC. I suggest you make the “…leader…” the MC’s adoptive mother. This way the MC loses the only parent she had and is clearly motivated to seek revenge. That said, revenge is a negative goal for an MC to have so best to redirect her subsequent efforts towards saving other women from the same fate.
My try:
See lessAfter a paranoid king murders the leader of a group of pagan women, her adopted daughter and successor must use the ancient Hermetic ways to destroy the crown and save her people.
After the mysterious death of his colleague, a scientist discovers one of their test subject is awake to exact revenge on those involved in making him an undead
The protagonist's goal must be mentioned in the logline itself (not the description). So the undead is not the antagonist? It's the 'bad scientist' that's the antagonist? Reading the logline I thought it was the undead subject, but on reading your description I'm not so sure anymore. The antagonistRead more
The protagonist’s goal must be mentioned in the logline itself (not the description).
See lessSo the undead is not the antagonist? It’s the ‘bad scientist’ that’s the antagonist? Reading the logline I thought it was the undead subject, but on reading your description I’m not so sure anymore. The antagonist should be clearly mentioned.
Other than that it sounds really good! I can see a lot of potential in this one, maybe a weak and timid protagonist who’s terrified of the undead, but still wants to do the right thing. Plenty of food for conflict here!