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When a gay out of control teenager is kicked out of home, he escapes to L.A. determined to become a porn star but when his lover dies from a drug overdose he embarks upon a spiritual quest that leads him to Bali with the only chance he has left to save his life.
Gstar I am confused, it looks as if you posted a revision for the same logline three times before receiving any feedback. Which of the three versions do you want help with? For purpose of this post I'm assuming the latest version. If you look at the end of the logline, it reads as if his goal is toRead more
Gstar I am confused, it looks as if you posted a revision for the same logline three times before receiving any feedback.
Which of the three versions do you want help with?
For purpose of this post I’m assuming the latest version.
If you look at the end of the logline, it reads as if his goal is to save his life. However, up to that point in the logline you hadn’t mentioned a risk to his life. In other words, the cause and effect relationship between the goal (to save his life) and the events the preceded it seems flawed.
Has he contracted an STD? Is he hooked on drugs? Is he suicidal? What ever it is that puts his life at risk , needs to be elaborated on in the beginning of the logline as it is the inciting incident of the story.
See lessWhen a teenager is kicked out of home after being discovered at a gay sauna, he escapes to L.A. determined to become a famous porn star but when his lover dies from a drug overdose he embarks upon a journey of recovery that leads him to Bali where he finds the only chance he has left to save his life.
A logline is a sales tool.? A good logline sells the sizzle?in a story -- not the entire steak.Let's be blunt:? the sizzle in your story, the element that?is likely to grab attention, make someone want to read your script, is the?character's?aspiration to become a gay porn star.??? Sex sells; recoveRead more
A logline is a sales tool.? A good logline sells the sizzle?in a story — not the entire steak.
Let’s be blunt:? the sizzle in your story, the element that?is likely to grab attention, make someone want to read your script, is the?character’s?aspiration to become a gay porn star.??? Sex sells; recovery — not so much.
Your logline?sets up the expectation that the 2nd Act will be about his struggles to make it?as a porn star.? And then the rest of your logline completely ignores that story element. It shifts focus to?other story threads?not directly related to the sizzle:? his lover dies of an overdose and he takes a journey of recovery.
What about his struggle to?become a porn star? If your character’s dream is to make it as a porn star, then that raises the dramatic question that should frame the entire 2nd Act (at least):? will his efforts to become a porn star succeed?
This further raises the expectation that the 2nd Act will be about his mal-adventures in the gay sex industry.? Complications ensue, of course, the usual wretched excesses and abuse.?
Further,?a logline should raise that question (implicitly) — but it should not?answer it.? This logline, however, gives away the answer to ?the dramatic question ( “No, he fails .”)
And a logline should further describe one and only one story line or plot for the main character.? But yours has two:? 1] Going to L.A. to become a porn star; 2] A journey of recovery to Bali.?? Pick one story line for your logline ?and focus on that only.? Either he’s on a? journey to become a porn star or he’s on a? journey to recovery.?
(There are techniques for melding both into one story line, one plot in the script itself, but that’s beyond the scope of this web?site which is devoted to writing loglines?for?scripts.)
Anyway, my takeaway for writing a logline is:??frame and focus on one and only one story line, one plot.?
fwiw
See lessLes harbours a secret obsession to become the next biggest gay porn star and when his Dad kicks him out, he escapes to LA. Trapped by his own narcissism it?s not long before he resorts to prostitution to feed a growing meth habit but when he witnesses his ex lover dying of an overdose he starts an unpredictable roller coaster ride to recovery that brings him to a practice of yoga and meditation and he attracts the man that gives him a new sense of purpose.
Best to think of a logline in terms of plot points, and by plot plot points I mean essential big plot points. As it is now the original logline has too many moving parts, albeit part of the same story they describe too much at too early a stage of development. For example: "...Les harbours a secretRead more
Best to think of a logline in terms of plot points, and by plot plot points I mean essential big plot points.
As it is now the original logline has too many moving parts, albeit part of the same story they describe too much at too early a stage of development.
For example: “…Les harbours a secret obsession to become the next biggest gay porn star and when his Dad kicks him out, he escapes to LA …”
Could be re written as:
After his dad kicks him out for being gay a want to be actor must survive on the streets of LA…
Or another example:
“Trapped by his own narcissism it?s not long before he resorts to prostitution to feed a growing meth habit…”
This clause is not necessary and can be cut from the logline. For starters I’m not sure how one can be trapped by his or her own narcissism or how that would lead him to take meth and secondly it describes a character flaw, which is good but as a plot point which is bad. Best to use the character flaw as a means to indicate what the MC will learn over the course of the story, in other words the character flaw needs to insinuate what the inner journey will be to achieve the inner goal and not be part of the outer journey to achieve the outer goal.
As DPG said this is a redemption plot (very McKee of us…) so the inner journey is the most important part of your story, however in this instance I believe that an outer goal is necessary as there have been many rise and falls of [fill the gap] stories similar to this and a good challenging outer goal will help set it apart.
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