1960 (USA) Two criminals parked roadside, one black, one white, they wait for money to be picked up, but a battle of wits breaks out resulting in one being shot and the money disappearing.

I like the premise of your story – I also think your argument/theme posed about justified ‘badness’ and maybe levels of badness (I’m a thief but at least I’m not a murderer, I’m a murderer but at least I’m not a paedophile etc.) is a great way to generate debate and engage the audience.

I can totally see this playing out in some remote place, maybe with a derelict gas station in the background… something really raw and almost claustrophobic about it (the way Phone Booth did).

However, as yqwertz pointed out, your logline reads as a summary of a part of your script rather than as the central conflict of the entire thing. ?And, whilst we don’t have to ‘care’ about them personally, in this kind of story it may be advantageous to include some emotional hook to stop people dismissing it too easily.

Regards
Trix

Hi Craig,

Your logline led to a few questions in my mind:

• 1960s USA – Is there a specific reason this is stated? ?Couldn’t this be any time and any place? ?What specifically makes is a period USA piece?
• “criminals” – is a bit vague… what kind of criminals are they? ?Money from what activities?
• “one black, one white” – Is there a racial element to your story? ?If not, I don’t see the need to state their ethnicity.
• I’m don’t understand if one shot the other and took the money… but if that’s the case, the money wouldn’t just disappear, we’d know there is only one person left alive to take it (if the other is indeed killed?!) ?Which then made me think that the battle of wits is with whoever is picking the money up?

Regards
Trix