250 Years into the future, the US and others have shied more and more from democracy. A Young Man working for NASA is chosen to be part of a team mission to explore a new planet found far away that could potentially be a new home for humans, away from corrupt governments and war. The discoveries he and his team make will change them forever.

As Richiev said. ? The logline sets up a situation for a plot, but it doesn’t seems to have a plot.

The plot of the story is not the discovery, but what they must do in response to the discovery. ?The discovery is an event that ”changes them forever” ?– well, ?that’s what an inciting incident?is supposed to do!?

So whatever the discovery is, it is the game changer, and the logline shouldn’t hide it.

What is discovered and as a result what becomes the dramatic goal in response to the discovery? ?What jeopardy does the discovery create? ?And what are the stakes?

fwiw

>>>What if i want to keep the discovery a secret from the viewer and allow the audience to make this dicovery with the characters.

Your target market for the logline is not movie viewers. ?Your target market is movie makers. ? A logline is a sales pitch of the unproduced script ?to producers and directors ?– not a sales pitch of the ?finished movie to an audience. And ?it needs to be tailored to its target market.

Movie makers want to know what’s so special about your story that makes it different from all the other space movies. ?(Sending people off to colonize another planet because earth has gone to hell in a hand basket is not an original story concept.) ?

If your logline engages in a game of hide and seek, they aren’t going to play along. ?They don’t have the time nor patience for that game. ?They simply won’t read the script.

Let me clarify and expand on what I mean because it’s a common mistake I see in loglines. ?Writers come up with a sure-fire, life-changing, awesome Big Reveal for their stories — but then won’t reveal it in their logline. They seem to think that merely suggesting there is one is a sufficient hook to get people to read the scripts. ?

It isn’t. ?

For the purpose of a logline and a plot, the Big Reveal, the Shocking Discovery, ?is not a story hook.

I don’t know when this Shocking Discovery your playing hide and seek with occurs in your story. But if it occurs ?late in the story, after the midpoint, say at the end of Act 2 or the start of Act 3, then it shouldn’t even be mentioned or hinted in the logline.

As an example, take the original “Planet of the Apes”. ?It has the Shocking Discovery in the last minute of? the movie, ?and it’s one of the most famous Shocking Discoveries in the history of cinema.?

But that Shocking Discovery would never be revealed, suggested, hinted or implied in a logline (as I’m under the impression ?yours is doing). ?One would not write a logline for the story along the lines of, say, ?”An astronaut struggles to escape from captivity on a planet where apes rule over people only to make a shocking discovery.”

Why? Because, to repeat, the Shocking Discovery. the Big Reveal, ?is not a story hook for the purpose of a logline. ?

What is a story hook, anyway? ?A story hook is the factor that will keep a script reader (and a movie audience) interested in the story, ?keep them wanting to read, wanting to watch UNTIL the Shocking Discovery, the Big Reveal. ? ?You can’t string a reader along on a ?tease that the last 15-30 minutes has a Shocking Discovery so fantastic, it will be worth their while to wait… and wait… and wait… wait some more… wait, you’re almost there… wait it’s coming!…

Don’t tease them with the promise of story bait to come. ?Bait the hook and plant it ?ASAP in the 1st Act and keep them hooked all the way through to the Big Reveal and onward to the Fade Out.

The story hook in “Planet of the Apes” is that an astronaut seems to have crashed on a planet where roles are reversed, where apes rule over humans, keeping them as pets and work animals. ?And it’s a great hook, ?one that launched a lucrative film franchise.

What I don’t see (yet) in your logline is a ?hook, a compelling narrative factor, ?that will keep a script reader (or movie viewer) interested in the story until your Shocking Discovery.?

So what’s the story hook planted in the 1st Act of ?your script that will keep a script reader wanting to read until you turn over the card of the Shocking Discovery?

fwiw