Penpusher
Posted: 2018-01-03T17:47:47+10:00 In:

A Brainwashed boy genius is busted out of his facility and joins the fight against the corporate system that taught him to win at all costs.

A Brainwashed boy genius is busted out of his facility and joins the fight against the corporate system that taught him to win at all costs.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Sounds like his goal is self detrimental. One could even say, you are describing the normal parent-child natural path to adulthood.

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    2. Best Answer
      Penpusher

      Yeh, the over-all story goal is detrimental morally.

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Don’t expect an audience to root for an MC like that. Where is the struggle and then the resolve gonna come from?

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    4. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      The story is in the telling. People don?t have to like your character, they have to understand your character. Characters have to be relatable not likeable.

      Now. It is a bit vague. It could be Amway or the Church. We need details. Plus the brainwashing seems to have no impact. Busting out implies he was being held captive, but brainwashing would have had him as a willing participant.

      He needs a goal ?make public the program?
      He needs an obstacle ?corporate PR hiding the truth?

      A boy genius being held by a corporation as a test subject joins the group that broke him out, they carry out raids to find the proof to expose the horrors in the name of science.

      Probably not your story. But it has more detail.

      We have his goal, revenge by exposing them, justice for the kids.

      Obstacles, hidden info.

      Action a series of raids.

      Play with these ideas.

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    5. Best Answer
      Singularity

      As noted by the others, the plot seems vague.

      And although his goal may change, his character arc doesn’t seem to. He’s still trying to win at all costs, isn’t he?? Only now to take down the Big Bad Corporate System instead of uphold it. Different objective — same predicate.

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    6. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Agreed with the above. I’ll add that his inciting incident is vague – it’s best to describe the starting point of the story as well as the end.

      What specifically motivated him to take action? Was it the corporation taking him? Him being busted out? Not sure that busting him out will hold up as an inciting incident, it’s a big improvement in his life not the opposite and therefore doesn’t directly need fixing. Perhaps best to specify that he gets taken by the ‘big evil’ corporation and is therefore motivated to break out and stop them from doing the same to other kids.

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