Working Title: “POPULATION CONTROL”
A callous human executioner of synthetic citizens becomes a target himself when he helps a humanoid and her daughter escape termination from a cybernetic slaughterhouse
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I really like this. the only thing I’d remove is the word ‘callous’.
Nice: sounds like a dark, chilling, tech-noir story! I’m picturing a Terminator/Blade Runner atmosphere. It reminds me of the book ‘A brave new world’ too!
My suggestion is to be more specific with the executioner’s goal after he assists with the escape. Is his goal to save just his own life, or are the humanoid and her daughter also in danger? If so, what action does he take to save himself/them? Who is targeting him?
Also, what event, if any, makes the executioner decide to let that particular humanoid and her daughter escape, when he has killed all the others? I’m guessing that event would be a good inciting incident of the story. It might help to include it in the logline, but if you don’t, I would like to know why anyway!
I wouldn’t touch a thing! Perfect the way it is.