Penpusher
Posted: 2020-09-23T03:39:04+10:00 In:

A cold-hearted journalist records a documentary about a very talented e-sport player until she discovers the hardness of being born unlucky.

A cold-hearted journalist records a documentary about a very talented e-sport player until she discovers the hardness of being born unlucky.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Andres_

      Suggest it’s better if she does a documentary (however set up) dual stories lines contrasting the winner AND the loser.

      Whatever, whose story is it: the video journalist, the jock who is a winner, or the nobody who is a loser?

      Who owns the character arc?

      What are the stakes for the journalist? What does she stand to gain or lose with her documentary?

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    2. Singularity

      It seems he does have an inciting incident, but it ‘s affixed to the end of the logline: “Until she discovers the hardness of being born unlucky.” But it’s unclear to whom unlucky applies, the e-sport player or herself or…?

      But the logline lacks an action line toward an objective goal. So she discovers that life is tough for the unlucky. Then what happens? What changes in her life, in the plot? What MUST she do about that realization? And why should the audience care?

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    3. Samurai

      CHARACTER: “A cold-hearted journalist…” Okay, that’s definitely a flaw and a possible start for a transformation arc.

      EVENT: You don’t have one. No inciting incident. We know she is shooting a documentary about an e-sport player (whatever that is… What is that? If I don’t know what it is, there must be more people who don’t know what it is.)

      ACTION: You don’t have one. “She discovers the hardness of being born unlucky” is not an action. What does she want and how can she get it? That’s what drives a story.

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