A contract killer drags his teenage brother on the job, hunting down a group of anonymous gangbangers for a Mexican drug cartel to deter the wannabe-thug from a harrowing life of crime.
EethanSamurai
A contract killer takes his teenage brother on job hunting down a group of anonymous gangbangers for a Mexican drug cartel to deter the wannabe-thug from a harrowing life of crime.
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What?s the inciting incident? There has to be something that triggers the contract killer to take his brother along.
I don?t think you need to state the gangbangers are anonymous. I don?t really understand why you?ve included that word anyway…? What was the intention?
I?d give the contract killer a characteristic. We can see that he obviously cares about his brother but what?s his character arc?
As Mikepedley85 said.? What did his kid brother do that provoked the pro killer to the extreme remedy of? compelling? him to do a job? A job that would put the professional’s life in greater jeopardy due to the brother’s lack of experience??
What dramatically justifies the professional undertaking such an imprudent risk??
“Worried his kid brother’s going to drop out of college and start a life of crime, A contract killer decides to scare him straight, by taking his wayward sibling?on his latest hit.”
It reads like the punishment parents used to give their kids who tried smoking cigarettes – made them smoke a whole pack to disgust and deter them from doing it again.
The only problem is, hunting people (gangsters or not) is not an innocuous activity. Being disgusted by cigarettes won’t make you a smoker but killing people will make you a killer – a life of crime or not he made his brother cross a line he can never uncross.
When his kid brother starts dealing drugs, a hit man tries to scare him straight by taking him on his latest job, to kill a notorious cartel leader.
(28 words)
It? translates “start a life of crime” into something more specific and relevant to the hit man’s next target for termination. ? And it’s more logical and higher stakes:? If someone is desperate enough to lay out a lot of cash for a hit man, it would be too take out the leader at the top of the supply and command chain, a? menacing rival, not some secondary nuisance or trouble maker.? Of course, the hit man will have to go through gangbangers, button men et al to get to the cartel leader.
fwiw