A dangerous serial killer is the only survivor in a plane crash, when she was transported to a different prison, she is rescued by tibetans from remote high mountain village. After being treated from her injuries she faces a choice to leave the village or to merry 7 brothers of a family who took care of her, according to their matriarchal tradition.
Karel SegersLogliner
A dangerous serial killer is the only survivor in a plane crash, when she was transported to a different prison, she is rescued by tibetans from remote high mountain village. After being treated from her injuries she faces a choice to leave the village or to merry 7 brothers of a family who took care of her, according to their matriarchal tradition.
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You can probably take out the bit about the prison transport… seems superficial for the logline. ?You could even replace “serial killer” with “prisoner” if you want to convey that it’s a prisoner. ?Serial killers are more attention-getting, so I’d leave prison out.
Two questions come to mind:
Why would the killer ever decide to stay? ?Why would she care about this tradition? ?You’re relying on a “matriarchy” to be hard to pass up?
And … does the woman need to choose one? ?Or is it ALL 7?
This is quote long. A logline should be as clear and concise as possible, try and merge the sentences into just one and focus on the character, his flaw, the inciting incident, his goal and what is stopping him. All the rest can and probably should be cut. Hope this helps.
No, you’ve still got a long logline (two sentences) when I said to merge it into one. Reread my previous comment and try it again.
Another version. I Also decided to substitute “the serial killer” to a?nun.
Survivor of a plane crash, a young nun finds herself in a remote high mountain tibetan village where she has to accept their matriarchal tradition and marry all the 7 brothers of a family who took care of her.
That’s a radical change of character. ?Seems like you’ve got a situation in search of an appropriate character.
And I don’t yet have a ?buy in for the premise of, in effect, a shotgun polyandry as as a drama. ?She’s an outsider, so there’s that issue. ?Why would the women of the tribe not just compel but force an outsider to marry into their bloodline?
I can see this as a comedy, okay, ?because comedies have greater latitude to bend the rules or make up ?rules. ?The audience understands and accepts that latitude. It’s easier for them to suspend disbelief and go with the story. ?But as a drama, ?my disbelief is not yet suspended.
fwiw
Marry and gain power or die isn’t a choice really. ?Perhaps the story lies in the struggle to get accepted enough to marry, instead of expulsion and death.
‘A serial killer is found by remote Tibetan village after a plan crash. ?She has a chance of ruling the village once she gets away with removing a few woman the stand in her way’
Perhaps not your story. ?I can’t see the stakes or logic in what you have given us so far.
I personally don’t like loglines that focus on a choice. A choice is a matter of just?one?scene (or of a boring movie). I’d like to see more clearly a goal and what opposes to it.
Agree with FFF. ?Plots are not about deciding to make a choice. ?Plots are about what happens after a choice is made to pursue an objective goal. ? What does she want in this situation? ?What does she do to get what she wants?
I am still a bit confused by this logline. What is the movie’s genre? ? Polygamy?is usually pretty creepy but this feels more romantic and why does she HAVE to accept?the marriage? What is the conflict?
You are closer, but as a reader, I still would also ?like to know who is the hero? The Brothers who save her? Or the Serial?killer? ?Currently, I am not rooting for either of them.
Interesting idea but you still need some re-writing, clarification.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for opinions and advises.
Maybe to go this way, in a comedy genre probably:?The serial killer wants to start a new life with a tibetan man who rescued her from a plane crash,?she falls in love and gets into relationship. Her decision is under threat when she learns that?she is considered a girlfriend of all his younger brothers according to their tradition.
dpg, you are completely right, i learned about that strange tradition that is very unusual for our society. And i was trying to find the right mach for that and i see serial killer has nothing to do with that :)??I wanted to place a woman?from our society to a very unexpected and unusual situation. An extreme candidate would be a nun (instead of “serial killer”) Being the only survivor in a plane crash may?be a sign from above for her, but how would?she interpret that sign,?would she attempt to convert?all the buddhists ?into christians or would she radically?change her mind and accept the tradition of the villagers and would have relationship with many men. Plane is also used to “deliver” the woman to a place where she can?t escape. I feel something is their, i?m just not really good with english, i am from Siberia
Snail,
The more I think about your story idea — and the fact that I have been thinking about I take as a good sign that the idea has potential — ?the more I think you’ve got a gold nugget of an idea for a comedy. ?
As I see it, the hook of your concept is the situation, the setup, not the character. ?And?I suggest the situation,might benefit from some tweaking.
Have you considered her crash landing in a remote Chinese village? ?The reason I say that is that because of China’s draconian one-child policy, only recently relaxed, ?there is a serious shortage of women. ?(An unintended consequence: because Chinese family culture prefers male babies, tens of millions of ?female fetuses have been aborted.) I just heard a story this morning?on the BBC?about a remote ?Chinese village of ?1,600 where there are 116 bachelors with no women around to marry. ? What if she crash-landed into a village like that?
IOW: ?you don’ t need to make up a tradition to start your story. ?Just have her rescued by bachelor men of the village (or a group of brothers within such a village) who are so desperate they decide to propose to her as a “package deal”, ?a polyandrous marriage with all them. ? They make her an offer she can’t refuse: lots of benefits, attention, respect, money, clothes, the guys (or their mothers) doing all the housework, etc.
In fact, she doesn’t need to crash land in the village. ?She could wander in as a tourist from another country. ?(A tourist fleeing from the frustration of another failed relationship or marriage because she didn’t the attention she expected, the respect she deserved.)
Whatever, the demographic imbalance of too many men, too few women in China (and other countries like India) creates a ripe opportunity for a story. ? It’s a script somebody’s going to write. ? For a film I want to see. ?I hope it’s you.
fwiw