A demonically supercharged serial killer dupes his way into a single mother’s life which rouses a talented FBI agent from retirement and awakens Poseidon.

What’s Poseidon got to do with it? How is a completely normal FBI agent with no superpowers supposed to stand his own against a superpowered serial killer? How does him duping his way into a single mother’s life get any attention from the FBI? If they’re watching him this closely, they’d have arrested him already… surely?!

I think this idea is just very confused. It starts off like a rom-com, then into a crime thriller, and finally ends with Poseidon.

Who’s the protagonist? A serial killer? Who, incidentally, is not trying to kill anyone. If it is the serial killer, what’s his goal?

I think some thought needs to go into what this story is supposed to be about and why. Sometimes, simplicity is the answer. Why not strip this back to a serial killer falls in love with the single mother whom he planned to kill.

As a side note, please keep future versions of this logline within one post. It’s really useful for users to see the evolution of the idea and the corresponding feedback.

Hope this helps in some way.

A logline isn’t about mystery, it’s about providing  a concise summary of the plot up to either the midpoint or end of Act II using (ideally) no more than 40 words phrased as a single sentence.

Hide the mystery and, as is frequently the case, it simply doesn’t make sense. Or you bury the hook. Either way, it massively damages your chances of your script being read by anyone. So, yeah, I might get the gist if I read it, but I’m not as likely to read it if I don’t know what I’m reading. The beauty of a logline is that it’s not supposed (in my opinion – two schools of thought here) to give away the ending. So there is still that mystery but it’s the curiosity over what happens to the hero. What it’s most definitely not, is mystery over what the plot is actually about.