Choir of Hard Knocks
jamesmichaelPenpusher
A disparate and desperate group of people transcend their hopelessness and band together to find their voice, rediscovering, under the baton of their choirmaster, a dignity and purpose that their ravaged lives had threatened to destroy
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Sounds way too much like a typical Australian feature concept: A bunch of likeable losers come together to meet a mediorcre challenge that has no huge stakes attached to it. Have Australians not done this story motif for decades? A bunch of misfits joining together against a common enemy could, however, work as a story. Even as a transformational one. But what is required is a powerful enemy with compelling stakes attached. Perhaps some variant of “Toy Soldiers” (1991) is in order here … For example, a remote outback town is taken over by hardend criminals on the run. And only the town’s misfits are able to liberate the place. Choir mastery, by comparison, is woefully underwhelming.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
I thoroughly agree with Steve.
Sounds like a light hearted feel-good drama with a sprinkle of laughs. You could get a lovely ensemble cast of misfits who work through their own INTERNAL issues, and all become better people… An absolutely nobody is going to pay to see that. Spice it up. Add some interesting and original external conflict and you could have a real story.
The choir plot alone is too weak to carry this movie, but it might work as a multi-protagonist peice with a common theme, like in the “Joy Luck Club”. You could focus on three or four characters, and each character could have his/her own thirty minute story, perhaps about how they ended up joining the choir.
Avoid vague phrases like “A disparate and desperate group of people”, “transcend their hopelessness”, and “a dignity and purpose that their ravaged lives had threatened to destroy”. Instead, be specific about who these characters are: their strengths and flaws, what they do, and their hardships.
– Patrockable, Judge
I’ve read the other comments; I just think your talking in too much broad, flowery semantics instead of using plain language. Phrases like “transcends their hopelessness”, and “finding their voice”, and even “dignity and purpose that their ravaged lives threatened to destroy” don’t really say anything. You need to be much more specific.
Lastly, never include two words so similar in sound and spelling such as “disparate” and “desparate”. It’s cute, but not appropriate in a logline. The idea is to get someone to WANT to read the script, not piss off the producer!
Conceptually, and genre- I cannot render an opinion, because neither one is clear to me, and thats the major problem. Hope this helps some!
Geno Scala- judge
Writing a multi-protagonist story requires great skill. Perhaps choose one POV, either one of the homeless persons or the choir master for the audience to follow. Use subplots to compare how the hero and the other characters approach the same situation e.g. overcoming their ravaged lives. These subplot characters also help define the hero?s character through comparison.