Short Bus Express
TheheadofhousePenpusher
A down-on-his-luck , part time bus driver who dreams of being a NASCAR driver helps police capture a criminal by out running him while driving a special education bus. The ariel footage goes viral and he becomes an overnight sensation. The sudden fame along with having to choose between his dream and being a good person shows him that there is more to being a champion than winning.
Share
In terms of what is required for a logline, the first 43 words, everything from? “A down-on-his-luck” to? “…becomes an overnight sensation”, constitutes the setup and inciting incident which would?occur in the 1st Act.
After that should come ?a statement of the protagonist’s ?objective goal, the pursuit of which, constitutes the action of the second Act.
Instead, this logline leaps over the 2nd Act completely to?the 3rd Act moment when he must finally “choose between his dream, etc.”? We are left clueless as to what the action line is for the?bulk of the 2nd Act, the action the protagonist takes that leads? to ?the Act 3 crisis and dilemma ?that forces the character to [finally]?choose.
As a result of becoming an “overnight sensation”?(Act 1), what objective goal does the protagonist pursue?( Act 2) that leads to the? crisis that forces him to make a choice (Act 3)?
As DPG mentions above, your logline spends a lot of time on the setup:?
—–
A down-on-his-luck , part time bus driver who dreams of being a NASCAR driver helps police capture a criminal by out running him while driving a special education bus. The ariel footage goes viral and he becomes an overnight sensation.
—–
Then it get’s vague:
—–
The sudden fame along with having to choose between his dream and being a good person shows him that there is more to being a champion than winning.
—–
-This makes me wonder if ‘the set up’ should be the movie.
The movie starts off by showing him being ‘down on his luck’.
Then we introduce the lead characters dream of being a NASCAR driver.
The lead sees the chase happening and he leaps into action…
Perhaps one of the kids he drives is kidnapped and put into the car.
He must act.
The chase is on.
There is a complication; someone is still on the bus, preferably someone he doesn’t get along with at first.
They bicker, they argue.
The police tell him to stop, but he won’t because he must save the kid.
The person on the bus, (Maybe his girlfriend who was about to dump him) keeps nagging at him.
No matter the obstacle, he keeps on going and finally saves the day.
He becomes a hero
The movie ends with him achieving his dream of being a NASCAR driver.
Roll credits
I only mention this because you seem to have a clearer version of the ‘set-up’ than the rest, so maybe the ‘set-up’ is the movie.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
?