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Jim McClurePenpusher
A Eurasian girl, a descendant of Saint Patrick , is kidnapped to be abused and killed by a Chinese agent, but she escapes after overhearing a horrific PRC plan to create nuclear winter.
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Hi Jim,
I think you have an alignment problem. The obstacles, goals and solutions don?t line up. So it reads a bit like a shopping list of events and facts.
Does her ancestors lead to her being kidnapped by chinese?
Does her over hearing the plan make it possible for her to escape?
Find the things that align and link them. You seem to have linked unrelated elements.
A girl kidnapped girl while being transported to China overhears plans for the PRC to develop a nuclear weapon. She must get to safety and warn the world of this new threat.
I couldn?t see how her ancestors play into what she needs to achieve.
I agree with Mike:
Why is it important for us to know that the girl is of St. Patrick descent? What does your “Eurasian” description mean in the context of the story? Theoretically, she could also be an Italian girl.
Your main character description should be something like a flaw or a personality trait that impacts the course of your story. For example: what if the girl was a former agent herself and escaped the Chinese government as a whistleblower. Then you have a real problem for your main character. Or maybe she has some kind of other fear that is holding her back to solve the main conflict of your story.
Also: what is she going to do after she finds out the plans for nuclear winter? Does she act? Does she ask someone for help? We have to know her clear objective goal because the logline establishes and states your main character.
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Why is it important to the plot for us to know she is Eurasian and a descendant of St. Patrick?
When you say girl… do you mean 4? or 14? Girl is incredibly vague and cover a whole lot of ground. Be specific as it helps the reader to understand the story.
Do you mean PRC as in People’s Republic of China? Never use abbreviations, words, or acronyms that there is a chance a reader may not understand. The bigger point here is why would we assume any different? She’s been captured by a Chinese agent (for no reason – more on this later) so why wouldn’t we assume this?
The big problem I have is why? Why would a Chinese agent kidnap, abuse, and kill random people? I understand that history has done some pretty appalling things but there is always a motivation for it. So why has this girl been kidnapped with the intention of abusing and killing her?
How does China benefit from a nuclear winter? Surely they’d suffer from the fallout too, given how so much of their wealth and power comes from exporting goods. If they have no countries to export to… then what?
This girl’s in a cell I’m guessing? How does she come to overhear a plot to create nuclear winter in the first place? This wouldn’t be the sort of thing the grunts would be discussing and I’m guessing the President isn’t just wandering about.
Assuming there are good reasons for all of the above – well then what happens? This girl has escaped but I’m guessing she’s still in the middle of China? What does she do next to try and stop this nuclear winter?
At the moment it seems very convenient, illogical, and I just don’t buy it. It all comes down to what sort of movie this is gonna be. You’ve said action – the majority of action in an action film happens in Act II but we have no clue as to what happens there so there’s is nothing in this logline that suggests action in anyway… yet. She’s just a girl too. As it currently stands, she has no experience or skillset that leads to her becoming an action hero. So how are we supposed to believe she is an action hero? I feel like the antagonists are being bad just for the sake of the plot. They want to kill people for no reason and destroy the world because they can. A villain needs a goal too, and in this situation, something that actually seems logical and rational (even if completely abhorrent).
I feel like this plot needs some more cooking, although it could simply be the logline isn’t currently doing the job it needs to.
Hope this helps in some way.