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mobiuswestPenpusher
Posted: October 14, 20212021-10-14T12:37:18+10:00 2021-10-14T12:37:18+10:00In: Crime

A failed private investigator becomes entangled in the disappearance of a 17-year-old girl to clear a large gambling debt.

JOE HORIUCHI wakes up inside the boot of a moving vehicle, bound and gagged. Back to the present, gambling away nearly everything Joe owes a massive debt to ANURAK SONRAM (60s), a Thai restaurant owner who runs a gambling ring. Sonram filed a report, on his pregnant runaway granddaughter SARAI (17), as there are no suspicious circumstances, the police are not interested. He asks Joe to find her in return for clearing his debt. Joe accepts. He contacts hospitals, tries to locate her cell phone, and does an online search, personal information is impossible to acquire. He finds her friend who has a photo on her phone of Sarai with a hotel in the background. Going through the garbage he finds burnt photos of young girls. A car bumps his, he stops to check the damage and is attacked. A FIGURE takes the information he found from his car. Police arrive, they take him to the station.  He discovers the motel he visited was the site of a slave auction.  Joe relaizes she has not runaway, she was taken. Shuttered, old furniture. Sarai kicks and flails, pushed onto a couch, tied to the arm rail. DUCT TAPE over her mouth.

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    4 Reviews

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      NisVinten Logliner
      2021-10-14T20:55:56+10:00Added an answer on October 14, 2021 at 8:55 pm

      I like the story when I read your synopsis, but your logline needs polish. How about:

      When a failed investigator can’t pay back his gambling debt he gets 1 week to find the missing daughter of a murderous creditor.

      It’s not there yet, but raise the stakes.

      Have fun,
      Nis from Denmark

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      • mobiuswest Penpusher
        2021-10-15T10:45:09+10:00Replied to answer on October 15, 2021 at 10:45 am

        Thank you very much for this! I like the telescoping of time and I agree the stakes need to be higher, I’ll continue working on it. Oh and IM loving watching Danish crime television at the moment by the way, very influential in my writing!

        Thank you again

        Jim in Japan

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    2. NisVinten Logliner
      2021-10-17T07:09:08+10:00Added an answer on October 17, 2021 at 7:09 am

      Nice to hear. Let me know how you figure it out! 🙂 what DK series do you watch?

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      • mobiuswest Penpusher
        2021-10-19T13:08:34+10:00Replied to answer on October 19, 2021 at 1:08 pm

        Just finished watching The Chestnut Man

        https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10834220/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

        I enjoyed it, set was clear and the two lead characters had nice character flaws, thought the twist came a little early though.

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