A former tour guide suffering from a rare degenerative retinal disease braves a hostile environment to reach the work of art he most venerates before losing his sight forever.

What kind of hostile environment? A meteoroid hurtling through space and a kindergarten class are very different environments but both could be considered hostile. Loglines should be specific, whereas vague phrases don’t really tell us what the movie is about.

Also, what kind of work of art? Could be a beach at sunset or bird shit on a car window; specific details help define the tone and genre.

“…suffering from a rare degenerative retinal disease” is too long and wordy. Yes I did just say twice to be specific and not vague, but this is now too specific as one has to figure out what this means instead of immediately comprehending it, and loglines are about immediacy. This could easily be changed to “losing his sight” or “going blind” and leave the medical report to a longer summary like a full synopsis, or just the script itself. It even says “losing his sight” toward the end of the logline, thus making one of these phrases redundant.

Does it matter that he’s a former tour guide? If so, why? And why is that important detail left vague, again, in this logline? “Former” could mean anything…was it a part time job while in school, did he get promoted, fired, retire? Loglines shouldn’t raise questions, they should intrigue readers to learn more. As for the job itself, why is that important? Was he a guide at a museum and he wants to look at his favorite painting while he can still see? If so, tell us! That’s intriguing, that makes us want to know more about his guy and his struggles.