Logliner
Posted: 2017-10-10T20:34:05+10:00 In:

A gifted young aid worker tormented by his dreams is thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn to master his gift to save humanity and the people he loves.

A gifted young aid worker tormented by his dreams is thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn to master his gift to save humanity and the people he loves.
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    7 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      Happy,

      I strongly suggest you touch on what this gift is and how it will be paramount to saving humanity.

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    2. I feel the logline is quite vague.?Are the dreams he is having about how the world is being manipulated? Also manipulated from what? Finally like Foxtrot25 said, what is this gift he has? Is it the dreams?

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    3. Penpusher

      “…..is thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons”

      This seems really wordy for what you’re trying to say with the whole logline. I might try to find a way to cut it down and give space for other important info.

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    4. Singularity

      Great notes above.

      I’ll add that the various pieces of the puzzle don’t seem to fit together very well. For example, how do the MC descriptions provide him with either obstacles or advantages to accomplishing his goal? In other words, how does him being either “…young…”, an “…aid worker…”, or “…tormented by his dreams…” affect his ability, actions, and motivations in this situation?

      Secondly, what does “…thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated…” actually mean in practical terms? Was he physically pushed through a portal to another dimension? Was he let out of an asylum after many years? This is the inciting incident, and as such, needs clarification in how it affects the MC and motivates him to take action.

      Lastly, what specifically does he want to achieve? Save the world has been done so many times before, that as a goal on its own it’s now a trope. You need to specify what the specific threat is and how he’ll save the world from it.

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    5. I think it’s got potential to be a great story. You need risky stakes. Why should he? Why not leave it the way it is? What’s in it for him? There has to be an inciting event that pushes him to learn how to control his gift and do something about what he’s discovered. Also trim it down as much as you can. Good luck!

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    6. Logliner

      Thanks for the feedback. How about this version?

      A young aid worker tormented by his dreams learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. Only by accepting the past does he have a chance to save the future, humanity and the people he loves.

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    7. Singularity

      Happysnapper,

      All the comments made to the first version still apply – the plot is vague and the story unclear.

      Below are a few questions that will pop into most decision makers minds. No need to answer them here in a reply to the thread, best you read other loglines and learn how other writers use specific events and details to clearly describe their stories.

      What does young aid worker mean?
      Is he 18 yo, 21yo, 25yo, 30yo?
      How does him being young help or hinder his efforts?
      How is him being an aid worker connected to him saving the world?
      How does him being tormented by his dreams connect to the plot?
      What does “…been manipulated for eons…” mean in practical terms?
      What’s the worst that will happen should he fail?
      What motivated him to save humanity? What specific event?
      What does accepting the past mean in practical terms? What must he actually do?
      What does save the future mean in practical terms? Who’s future?
      Which goal does he care about most? Save the world or save the people he loves?

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