A girl trifles with the dark arts during her mother’s career defining moment.
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Again, I posted a rewrite on one of your other revisions. Check it out and use it as a starting point. Hope it helps.
sdanzig:
So there’s a girl for a protagonist. ??What’s her subjective need, her initial dramatic problem? ?It seems she wants more quality time from her mom. ?She’s feeling neglected. (If anything it’s the mom with the salient character flaw.)
What’s her solution to her perceived problem? ?Her dabbling in the dark arts can start out as accidental, ?but what is casual needs to become causal. ?Her blundering, such as it might be, has to be out of desperation. ?The extant to which she ?experiment with dark magic is the measure of her extremity, her emotional need.
So exactly how does she intend to use dark magic to win more affection and quality time from her mom? What is her game plan?
A tried and true method is to devising an objective goal is to frame the story with an upcoming event or milestone. ?Like Xmas, high school graduation, a sweet 16 birthday, a bat mitzvah, a quincea?era. ?Whatever it is it, it is most important and meaningful event to that girl at that moment in her life. ?And her mom’s job is threatening to ruin that event.
Be specific, be concrete. ?What is her most important want in terms of an object or an event? ?What must she possess or experience RIGHT NOW? ?Exactly what is her game plan to get it? ?The game plan can go hilariously awry, it can be a game plan for the wrong goal. ?But she needs a game plan to strive toward an objective goal.
fwiw
Agreed with the above.
Also best to change the main character description – be more specific about the girl’s flaw.
Lastly I think the connection between her doing dark arts and her mother’s career is tenuous, what is the connection between the two?
Good event. What is she hoping to achieve, what happens after what leads up.
A girl keen to feel empowered trifles with the dark arts, calling a demon she must defeat or destroy her mum career defining moment.
Knock around, wordsmith it to make it tighter.
If you haven’t already done so, it is highly recommended that you check out the “Training ” section listed at the top of the web page for guidelines on how to build an industry standard logline. ?Also one of our power participants, Richiev, recently posted some useful suggestions.
One issue with this logline is that “trifles with the dark arts” while suggestive lacks specificity as to what the girl’s plot objective is. ?A logline should state a specific objective goal that the protagonist is pursuing. Also it is unclear what risk or danger or obstacle “during her mother’s career defining moment” poses, even what it means. ?What is her mother’s career, anyway?
And the logline should include an inciting incident. ?What is the event that motivates the girl to dabble in the dark arts NOW?
Hope this helps.